Wow. I know it seems like I have been MIA for some time with only the BHBH post since Oct 1. In some respects, I have been MIA. Just prior to BHBH, I was in a serious melting down point unsure if I was going to be able to continue this long long journey or not and terrified of the answer.
This past month, I have questioned a lot of things. I have questioned whether I have the courage or the strength to keep going. I have questioned the processes by which I am working at this. I have questioned my trainer and I have questioned myself and my commitment. I have also questioned my value and whether I feel I am worth continuing to fight for.
Oddly enough, I didn’t find the usual comfort in blogging or in talking to Coach and Aaron about this stuff. Partly because the thoughts were so fragmented I am not sure I had a full, coherent thought or question formed for a long while. How do you talk about something that is not even fully formed?
I have often thought over the last month, “Kim, be careful. You are on a slippery slope leading toward sabotage.” These thoughts usually came when I was making poor choices, struggling with trainer issues, and questioning myself constantly.
It has been good to question. It has been good to figure out on my own what I am about and what I want. It has also been good in the midst of some trainer issues to trust myself and my gut and to make some decisions.
In all this questioning, you may be wondering if I found any answers. Well, some. I know I have floundered quite a bit in the last month. I have absolutely not made the best choices all of the time. And of all the consequences that could be possible, the one I hated the most was how it made me feel about myself. I know I am better than that. I know I want something bigger and better that whatever thing I chose in the moment. It took getting a knee injury that has had me out for the last week to really realize how much I have come to love working out and how much I have taken for granted my ability to do so. I know I am worth fighting for. I do want to be totally healthy and fit and active for the rest of my days.
This past weekend, I made some decisions. THe biggest one being about my trainer. Since BHBH, I have been checking out a possible new trainer who has some pretty extensive experience working with people of my size. In fact, he has worked with some of the contestants of TBL. This weekend I decided it was time to let Kelly go in huge part for financial reasons but also in part because I am not confidant she has what I need. I also hired this guy to train me. I KNOW! I said I would NEVER have a male trainer…but…I think he has the knowledge I need, so I will just have to get over whatever issues I have made up about male trainers…and learn a whole nutha level of trust.
Sooo….after two workouts with this man…I OF COURSE have a nickname for him…and a lifted photo of him from FB.
I have decided on The Demon Killer….because I am certain that his workouts will kill all the demons in me that try to rise up and stop me from my goal! (See, MP, not a bad nickname!)
I will be seeing him live and in person 1 day a week. THe rest of the week, he is expecting 2 a day cardio sessions of 45 minutes each with HR being the measuring stick of productivity. THis is in addition to 4 days of a strength workout he gave me as well. I will then be reporting to him on some regular basis/method how I am doing throughout the week.
Soooo my friends! I am back…with fresh motivation. Fresh energy. Fresh Fire. Fresh Workouts. Fresh everything…now….who is with me?