Truth And Lies

I haven’t been blogging much and typically that could be a sign of struggle for me since I tend to write everything out here.  Part of the lack of blogging comes from adjusting to 4 AM life.  By the time I get home from work and errands, re-pack my gym bag, eat dinner, re-pack my food for the next day, do laundry or whatever else I have to do, it is 9 PM and I am so exhausted, I can barely put a coherent thought together.

And part of it comes from struggling.  It has been a rough few weeks here in Michigan.  When I wrote “Somedays”, I was certain that I would be over how I was feeling in exactly 2.5 days, but unfortunately, that is not the case.  The struggle is on all fronts, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental and stems I think first and foremost from believing the lies and not fully receiving or believing Truth, with a capital T.

There is so much swirling in my head that I have been wanting to write but I am not sure how to even put it all together, so I suppose I will start with one area at a time and just be honest.  If you are choosing to read this, you may want to grab a glass of water and a healthy snack….this could get long.

Physically

Physically I am tired.  I haven’t been sleeping well and it seems the crazy sleeplessness from the “crazy Kate” days had returned to some degree.  So, many nights I couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep and was still getting up at 4 AM for workouts at least 3 days a week.  Almost 2 weeks ago, Kelly took new measurements and I have been quite anxious to see them.  I know this is part of the anxiety.  I have been certain that nothing is changing and that I will be stuck at 300+ lbs for the rest of my life.  I began to listen to the lies that I should just give up, nothing I do seems to work anyway.

Being so physically exhausted was not helpful in processing and handling the emotional meltdown that was happening.  I think I have cried every day during the last 2 weeks or so.  I have been angry and frustrated with Kelly(another blog post coming on this), I have been missing my friends like crazy-desperately hanging on until Oct 9th when I will see them again, and while Coach and Aaron have been fantastic at listening and responding to my long, whiny and despair filled emails, I have believed a lie that I am alone in this.  The emotions have been raging and to quiet them, I have thought much about going on a bender and simply downing the 2 bottles of yummy wine I have.  I think just about the only thing stopping me is the memory of what I put my friends through the last time I did that, a year ago, and I swear I will never do that to them again.   Instead, I have found myself searching for valid reasons to have a drink or two or….and fortunately, I have found none.  So despite, my desire to numb out and still the raging emotions within me, I continue to be very much present with them.

Mentally

Mentally, I am just wanting to be done with counting calories and tracking calories burned and doing the math to figure out how much more I have to eat.  I am tired of meal planning every calorie and being anxious when I go off plan or miss a workout or whatever the case may be.  My thoughts about all this stuff swirl in my head constantly and frankly not only am I tired of it, I am bored with it.  I need a new hobby.  Something new to think about and spend time on so that my every waking and sleeping thought is not food or exercise.  But then I think if I lose focus I will really F&*! this plan of mine up!

Yes, I am a serious control freak feeling VERY out of control in all of this.  I hear stories all the time of people who started working out and changed their diet a little bit, but not much and have lost massive amounts of weight.  I know I am not them and I know my body is not theirs.  BUt seriously, I know God made our bodies all unique, but I am done with being unique…in this area anyway.  A+B=C, right?  There seems to always be exceptions to mathematical rules, and I am one of them!

Spiritually

Spiritually, I am starving.  I moved here over a year ago and have not had any inclination to settle into a church.  The ones I have gone to have not felt like home, aka Grand Rapids.  And frankly, I kinda don’t want to establish life and relationships here, when all I want is to be back there.  So, in all honesty, I haven’t looked that hard.  But I didn’t know how bad of shape I was in until last week.

Last week I was in a particularly dark place and I felt a soft whisper that said I should go to a church I was a part of almost 10 years ago.  I did NOT want to go here.  I knew they would love me.  They would want me back.  I knew what community and relationships mean to this church and while I crave that and want that, this church is 45 minutes from my house.  I didn’t want to get involved in it when I knew it would be so far from me anyway.  I have often thought of going there, if for nothing else than a visit, but this time was different.  There was an urgency to the whisper to go.  I knew I needed to go somewhere, where I could simply BE in whatever mess of a state I was in without pressure to introduce myself or anything else.  I had to go there.  I knew it.  But I didn’t want to.

I went.   I was somewhat shocked to feel like I was back home again.  I started crying when I walked in and cried long after as I realized what was missing for me in all of this.  My trust and hope in God.  it always amazes me when I realize that God is missing, or rather my focus on Him is missing, that that is not the first place I look when things start going awry.  It also amazes me how clear it is once I see it that I wonder how I could have missed something so blatantly obvious!

The Pastor and old friend of mine Jim, could tell that I was having a rough time.  I couldn’t even talk to be able to tell him what brought me back.  Instead, he asked where I was living.  When I told him, he said a house church was starting in my area and would that be helpful.  YES!!

I will be back.

Emotionally

I am spent.  And I am aware enough to be concerned.  I was afraid I was sinking into serious depression and if I didn’t come out quick I wondered if I ever would.  This journey has been taking its toll on me and I knew enough to know I didn’t want it to take me out completely.

So I did 2 things.  1.  I called my old counselor for an appointment (phone) so I could get some unbiased perspective.  2.  I declared last weekend to be a break weekend.  For 2 days I would not count calories, burned or consumed.  I would trust myself to eat when hungry and to not go crazy.  If I worked out or did any physical exercise it would be because I simply wanted to and would be for pure pleasure.  I told my core people, who of course jumped all over me to make sure this was not a free for all!

Ironically, I was not asking their permission.  I knew what I needed and I took it.  It was either this, or quit.  So I explained what my break would look like and declared it to have begun.   That night, I slept like a rock.  No tossing and turning, no waking in the night unable to sleep.  It was wonderful!

**sidenote-I have been writing this post for over a week.  It has taken some time to get my thoughts coherent and while I think they are now, they still might not be.

So currently, I am doing much better.  Things are not perfect, I am still living in a lot of disappointment, but I am also sleeping better again.  Sleep makes everything else so much easier to deal with.  When I am rested physically and spiritually back to a place of resting in God, I think I can handle just about anything…

remind me I said this next time I spiral…ok.


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6 thoughts on “Truth And Lies

  1. I’m sorry to hear thing have been so tough. I’m really glad to hear that you’re working so hard to take care of yourself though. It sounds like you know what you need, and have been making sure that you get those things.

  2. I think it’s so good that you were able to process (and continue to process) that on your own. YOU can be trusted to take care of yourself and I applaud you for voicing that to those around you and taking the lead. It may never be “easy” but you really did the right thing and should be so proud!

  3. Hang in there Kim. I’m glad you took a “break” and got some much needed rest.

    Please don’t lose sight of just how strong and capable you really are.

  4. Kim, first off, I am sending you BIG hugs, friend. Tough times are tough times, and sometimes all you can do is keep walking through them, knowing you are not alone and this, too, shall pass.

    GOOD FOR YOU for not numbing out on the emotions you’re feeling, especially with how tired you’ve been. You know and I know (we all know, in fact) that numbing out with food or drink or sex or anything else only provides a fleeting and temporary respite from what’s bothering us. Then when that respite is over, we’re left with the original reason for feeling like crap (let’s be honest here) AND the guilt/shame/whatever over our numbing-out behavior of choice.

    How WONDERFUL (and heartbreaking at the same time) to discover that perhaps the only thing missing in all of this has been your reliance on God. Wonderful because now that you are aware, you can take steps to correct the problem. Heartbreaking, because how often do we need to learn a lesson over and over andoverandover again before we no longer have to learn the hard way?! (Not speaking from experience here. Not at all. Shut up. I’m serious!) How cool that your church has a home church starting in your area – I can’t wait to hear all about it!

    Taking your break last weekend was also a wise choice. Sometimes a step away from the thing that feels all-consuming is exactly what you need to put it back into perspective. And I know, and you know, that you’re not quitting. Because the alternative to what you’re doing now isn’t just that you’ll quit counting everything and stay healthy and keep working out and eating healthy and maintain. That’s not what got us here. What got us here is that when we quit (as I did countless times in the past), all of my forward progress got erased and then some.

    Anyhow, friend, sorry this comment has turned into a post of its own! I know you are going to experience wonderful things as you continue along this path to your best health, physically AND all the rest. Hang in there!

  5. Dear Kimberly,

    I’m glad you are doing better. Thanks for this post and for always approaching things with such honesty. I know how hard it is to keep plugging along and I relate in many ways to what you say here.

    Always sending hope and love your way!

    T

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