I haven’t been blogging much and typically that could be a sign of struggle for me since I tend to write everything out here. Part of the lack of blogging comes from adjusting to 4 AM life. By the time I get home from work and errands, re-pack my gym bag, eat dinner, re-pack my food for the next day, do laundry or whatever else I have to do, it is 9 PM and I am so exhausted, I can barely put a coherent thought together.
And part of it comes from struggling. It has been a rough few weeks here in Michigan. When I wrote “Somedays”, I was certain that I would be over how I was feeling in exactly 2.5 days, but unfortunately, that is not the case. The struggle is on all fronts, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental and stems I think first and foremost from believing the lies and not fully receiving or believing Truth, with a capital T.
There is so much swirling in my head that I have been wanting to write but I am not sure how to even put it all together, so I suppose I will start with one area at a time and just be honest. If you are choosing to read this, you may want to grab a glass of water and a healthy snack….this could get long.
Physically I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well and it seems the crazy sleeplessness from the “crazy Kate” days had returned to some degree. So, many nights I couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep and was still getting up at 4 AM for workouts at least 3 days a week. Almost 2 weeks ago, Kelly took new measurements and I have been quite anxious to see them. I know this is part of the anxiety. I have been certain that nothing is changing and that I will be stuck at 300+ lbs for the rest of my life. I began to listen to the lies that I should just give up, nothing I do seems to work anyway.
Being so physically exhausted was not helpful in processing and handling the emotional meltdown that was happening. I think I have cried every day during the last 2 weeks or so. I have been angry and frustrated with Kelly(another blog post coming on this), I have been missing my friends like crazy-desperately hanging on until Oct 9th when I will see them again, and while Coach and Aaron have been fantastic at listening and responding to my long, whiny and despair filled emails, I have believed a lie that I am alone in this. The emotions have been raging and to quiet them, I have thought much about going on a bender and simply downing the 2 bottles of yummy wine I have. I think just about the only thing stopping me is the memory of what I put my friends through the last time I did that, a year ago, and I swear I will never do that to them again. Instead, I have found myself searching for valid reasons to have a drink or two or….and fortunately, I have found none. So despite, my desire to numb out and still the raging emotions within me, I continue to be very much present with them.
Mentally, I am just wanting to be done with counting calories and tracking calories burned and doing the math to figure out how much more I have to eat. I am tired of meal planning every calorie and being anxious when I go off plan or miss a workout or whatever the case may be. My thoughts about all this stuff swirl in my head constantly and frankly not only am I tired of it, I am bored with it. I need a new hobby. Something new to think about and spend time on so that my every waking and sleeping thought is not food or exercise. But then I think if I lose focus I will really F&*! this plan of mine up!
Yes, I am a serious control freak feeling VERY out of control in all of this. I hear stories all the time of people who started working out and changed their diet a little bit, but not much and have lost massive amounts of weight. I know I am not them and I know my body is not theirs. BUt seriously, I know God made our bodies all unique, but I am done with being unique…in this area anyway. A+B=C, right? There seems to always be exceptions to mathematical rules, and I am one of them!
Spiritually, I am starving. I moved here over a year ago and have not had any inclination to settle into a church. The ones I have gone to have not felt like home, aka Grand Rapids. And frankly, I kinda don’t want to establish life and relationships here, when all I want is to be back there. So, in all honesty, I haven’t looked that hard. But I didn’t know how bad of shape I was in until last week.
Last week I was in a particularly dark place and I felt a soft whisper that said I should go to a church I was a part of almost 10 years ago. I did NOT want to go here. I knew they would love me. They would want me back. I knew what community and relationships mean to this church and while I crave that and want that, this church is 45 minutes from my house. I didn’t want to get involved in it when I knew it would be so far from me anyway. I have often thought of going there, if for nothing else than a visit, but this time was different. There was an urgency to the whisper to go. I knew I needed to go somewhere, where I could simply BE in whatever mess of a state I was in without pressure to introduce myself or anything else. I had to go there. I knew it. But I didn’t want to.
I went. I was somewhat shocked to feel like I was back home again. I started crying when I walked in and cried long after as I realized what was missing for me in all of this. My trust and hope in God. it always amazes me when I realize that God is missing, or rather my focus on Him is missing, that that is not the first place I look when things start going awry. It also amazes me how clear it is once I see it that I wonder how I could have missed something so blatantly obvious!
The Pastor and old friend of mine Jim, could tell that I was having a rough time. I couldn’t even talk to be able to tell him what brought me back. Instead, he asked where I was living. When I told him, he said a house church was starting in my area and would that be helpful. YES!!
I will be back.
I am spent. And I am aware enough to be concerned. I was afraid I was sinking into serious depression and if I didn’t come out quick I wondered if I ever would. This journey has been taking its toll on me and I knew enough to know I didn’t want it to take me out completely.
So I did 2 things. 1. I called my old counselor for an appointment (phone) so I could get some unbiased perspective. 2. I declared last weekend to be a break weekend. For 2 days I would not count calories, burned or consumed. I would trust myself to eat when hungry and to not go crazy. If I worked out or did any physical exercise it would be because I simply wanted to and would be for pure pleasure. I told my core people, who of course jumped all over me to make sure this was not a free for all!
Ironically, I was not asking their permission. I knew what I needed and I took it. It was either this, or quit. So I explained what my break would look like and declared it to have begun. That night, I slept like a rock. No tossing and turning, no waking in the night unable to sleep. It was wonderful!
**sidenote-I have been writing this post for over a week. It has taken some time to get my thoughts coherent and while I think they are now, they still might not be.
So currently, I am doing much better. Things are not perfect, I am still living in a lot of disappointment, but I am also sleeping better again. Sleep makes everything else so much easier to deal with. When I am rested physically and spiritually back to a place of resting in God, I think I can handle just about anything…
remind me I said this next time I spiral…ok.