First Do No Harm

Today, I weighed in for a test weigh in with Kelly to see how things were going a few weeks in to training with her.  I had a weigh in with her 3 weeks ago, which was about 2 weeks after my testing and implementation of the “eat more” plan.  I had gained then, but was ok with it.  Today, however, I am NOT ok with a 5 lb gain in 3 weeks.  Yes, today revealed a 5 lb gain today.  I could post my meal plans for the last 3 weeks and you can see EXACTLY what I have eaten AND EXACTLY the calories burned each day.

I am not ashamed of anything I have  done or not done in the last 3 weeks.  I mean seriously.  Who goes on vacation and packs every meal and snack with them for a week?  I do.  I did, last week to ensure that there is NO WAY that I could gain.

I went into this weigh in KNOWING in my head a few things.

1.  I have heaped a year+ of abuse on my body.  It may take a while to adjust and shift to losing.

2.  I have done NOTHING to warrant a gain or even a maintain.

3.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.

This knowledge, however, was not helpful this morning when I stood on the scale and saw the number 310.5

I left the house, hoping my scale was wrong and headed to see Kelly.  Kelly was inching the numbers up and finally I got frustrated and moved it to 310.5 and said…it is going to land here, might as well put it here.

Poor Kelly.  She doesn’t know me yet.  I don’t know her yet.  Frankly I just wanted to leave, but of course I had a workout to do.  She tried to encourage me, but I was not up for hearing the same thing I have been telling myself for over a year.  “It’s gonna be ok. or this is just a small setback, we will figure it out.  OR you got me on your team, I will help you with this…or anything else she could have or might have said this morning.

I was unprepared for the level of disappointment I am experiencing.  I truly thought I would be ok with whatever the results were.  Aaron and I even talked about this very scenario over the weekend and I was certain I would be fine.  Well I am not so fine.  I am pissed off.  I am frustrated and part of me wants to just bag this thing and yet part of me, the stubborn side won’t let me.

So today, I did mostly ok, on eating.  I didn’t get all my food in during the day so for dinner I decided I would have that big juicy steak I have been wanting and corn on the cob with actual butter, not butter spray.  I decided that for one friggin meal, I would say F^&* the plan and enjoy the meal.

But I think some part of me didn’t really want that, because I told Coach that is what I was doing.

Note to self:  DON”T TELL COACH IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING!!

His words rang true even as I tried to deny them.

you’ve been working the plan. got some undesired results. and now you’re treating yourself because of how you feel?
isn’t that what you’re trying to move away from?
if you were over-exercising, i’d be all for chilling out for a while
but this feels like eating tied to emotions and perhaps that’s not the best way to cope at this moment

I tried to rationalize that I had the calories to spare, so while yes it is emotional eating…it isn’t really like a binge or anything because I am still counting the calories.
He wasn’t buying it.
He asked me to really think about what he was saying before I do this.  I told him I would, although I had no intention of doing so.  The grill was going, the steak was on and almost done.
His last words were…”be good to yourself.”
SHIT!
I got 3 bites in and thought of a Doctors oath to first do no harm…and how he was essentially saying the same thing.   Sure, I may have the calories to spare and I may count every last one of them.  But if I go back to eating out of emotion instead of for nutrition, then where does that leave me?
So now…I am pissed.  I have 3 bites off a delicious steak and some really yummy corn on the cob…and I cannot in good conscience eat it…wrong motives that would bring more harm…harm greater than my gain this week…to my soul.  Right now, I think I need to take care of my soul and “first do no harm.”
So…I am going to bed.  I am still saying F&*!  the plan…because I don’t trust myself to eat rationally at this moment…so I am just not.
Besides all that…I didn’t mention the McDonald’s Breakfast I had this morning…so not cool.
My friend, Alicia, once gave me this quote.  “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”
– Mary Anne Radmacher
Today it is the little voice.
(now I am mad about the stupid formatting! grrr)
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6 thoughts on “First Do No Harm

  1. Your words really spoke to me. I know just how your mind can rationalize– I have done that.
    Your coach is special, and I’m so glad you have that support. It’s taken me a long time to make that connection between emotions and eating, even when I THOUGHT I knew.
    It may sound strange because I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I’m proud of you for working through that and making the conclusion that you did. You’re doing it. Now. You are.

    -Applause from a stranger 🙂

  2. You are so lucky to have Coach. I am SO sorry about the gain. Truly, in moments like that, sometimes you need to have a small inner tantrum. To let those feelings out. Because NOT letting them out, or EATING them, that’s how we got to where we started. I KNOW that your body will ultimately respond to all the healthy stuff you are doing. I am just super frustrated for/with you that it’s not happening more quickly. By any chance did you recently pray for God to help you be patient? Cuz, you know, if you do THAT he just gives you more SITUATIONS in which patience is required. I kinda hate that. (Love you God, just hate that little tiny part.)

    • HAHHA SRG…no I have most certainly NOT asked for additional patience…I learned that early on in my relationship with Him 🙂

      It’s gotta come off, right?

  3. Your frustration is jumping off the screen. I feel for ya Kim, I really do because I’ve been there. Maybe not in the exact place as you, but stepping on the scale and not seeing the number we know we deserve. Yep. and it sucks. I love your coach and am so glad you are listening to him and that small voice…keep doing that.

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