Today, I weighed in for a test weigh in with Kelly to see how things were going a few weeks in to training with her. I had a weigh in with her 3 weeks ago, which was about 2 weeks after my testing and implementation of the “eat more” plan. I had gained then, but was ok with it. Today, however, I am NOT ok with a 5 lb gain in 3 weeks. Yes, today revealed a 5 lb gain today. I could post my meal plans for the last 3 weeks and you can see EXACTLY what I have eaten AND EXACTLY the calories burned each day.
I am not ashamed of anything I have done or not done in the last 3 weeks. I mean seriously. Who goes on vacation and packs every meal and snack with them for a week? I do. I did, last week to ensure that there is NO WAY that I could gain.
I went into this weigh in KNOWING in my head a few things.
1. I have heaped a year+ of abuse on my body. It may take a while to adjust and shift to losing.
2. I have done NOTHING to warrant a gain or even a maintain.
3. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
This knowledge, however, was not helpful this morning when I stood on the scale and saw the number 310.5
I left the house, hoping my scale was wrong and headed to see Kelly. Kelly was inching the numbers up and finally I got frustrated and moved it to 310.5 and said…it is going to land here, might as well put it here.
Poor Kelly. She doesn’t know me yet. I don’t know her yet. Frankly I just wanted to leave, but of course I had a workout to do. She tried to encourage me, but I was not up for hearing the same thing I have been telling myself for over a year. “It’s gonna be ok. or this is just a small setback, we will figure it out. OR you got me on your team, I will help you with this…or anything else she could have or might have said this morning.
I was unprepared for the level of disappointment I am experiencing. I truly thought I would be ok with whatever the results were. Aaron and I even talked about this very scenario over the weekend and I was certain I would be fine. Well I am not so fine. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and part of me wants to just bag this thing and yet part of me, the stubborn side won’t let me.
So today, I did mostly ok, on eating. I didn’t get all my food in during the day so for dinner I decided I would have that big juicy steak I have been wanting and corn on the cob with actual butter, not butter spray. I decided that for one friggin meal, I would say F^&* the plan and enjoy the meal.
But I think some part of me didn’t really want that, because I told Coach that is what I was doing.
Note to self: DON”T TELL COACH IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING!!
His words rang true even as I tried to deny them.
– Mary Anne Radmacher