A year ago, when I last applied for TBL, I decided that I would not apply again. There is no need. I am doing this on my own. I am on 2 years of solid work with no lengthy lapses. Sure I haven’t lost what I have wanted to lose, but it hasn’t been for not trying, that is for sure.
So now, they just added a casting call in Detroit and I am wondering. If I don’t go, will I wonder if this could have been my season? Could I have made it? Would they ever choose someone who has run a half marathon at my size or who competes in triathlons? Will I have doubts and regrets if I don’t? If I do, will I feel like I am selling out or doubting my ability to do this on my own?
I don’t feel this way now, but I wonder how heavily the questions will come if I let an opportunity pass without even an attempt.
I don’t know if I will go to yet another casting call on Saturday or not. I have been thinking about it for over a week since I first found out that there will be one here. All I know, is I am wondering…what would I say differently this time that might catch the ear of some casting director? Do I really want my life and my story broadcast on national television? Every time I go to one of these things, I have to consider that as a real possibility. Would I be going to the Casting call simply to be able to say I tried or because I really want the opportunity? Do I not want to WANT the opportunity to avoid disappointment? Is there a difference between wanting something and not wanting to want? What would my motivation be to be on the show? Money? That seems shallow, but man 250K sure would be nice! Knowing what I know about my body now, would the show and its methods even work for me? Would it cause more harm than good? Is there a way to know that ahead of time? Can I handle Bob and/or Jillian when I think Jess and Mama Kelly are tough enough?
Regardless, I am in this journey for life…my life…no matter what I choose.