You all know it took me a little while to get used to not looking at a scale every week and only weighing myself when Jess did her full assessments. You know how I cheated a couple of times and looked at the scale just to see where things were at.
Well, I am a week and a half away from my 3rd assessment with her. She doesn’t really do them on a set schedule or anything…because this one is about a month and a half since the last one. She wants to do it before the triathlon so that I can celebrate without a looming weigh in hanging over my head. Well ain’t she just so nice!
Well, I am getting nervous folks. What if that blasted scale doesn’t move again? Worse, what if that blasted scale shows me a number back in the 300’s? I really don’t think I can handle that! Not for a second.
SO along with the nerves and anxiety come all sorts of really disordered thoughts about how I can either help it along or at least have a reason for whatever it is going to say. Yep I said it.
I have actually consciously thought about 1. pulling out my scale that has been packed up and cheating just to see where I am at and 2. if it shows me an unfavorable number, eating a bunch of crap so I can at least justify it.
When I realized how CRAZY that was…I began thinking about how I could help it along. You know, perhaps it is time for one of those crazy 10 day cleanse things…or something like that, that would appear to be about my health but really the motivator is about moving that darn scale.
The good thing folks is that I told Jess about these thoughts immediately. I know they are crazy and NO I am not going to do any of them. However, it was important to get them out of my head so that they don’t consume me or take over.
Jess assures me that things will change and are changing. She assures me that she can see changes, that I am disappearing before her very eyes. My crazy brain says that is too subjective and can be just an illusion. At the same time, I see changes all the time. One day I see a new muscle, the next it seems to have disappeared. One day my jeans feel looser, the next I can barely get them zipped.
This process feels so crazy at times. I know I won’t ever give up, but seriously, something has got to give. I am glad I am recognizing the crazy wacked out thoughts BEFORE I act on them. Doesn’t make me feel any less crazy though.
Guess I just need to trust the process and Jess and her knowledge…she does have 2 degrees in sports/exercise stuff plus 2 national certifications to be doing what she is doing…
(do you believe me yet?)