Sidebar: I have missed blogging. We recently moved and for the last couple weeks we did not have the wireless set up so I could feel free to write in my bedroom. Instead, any computer time was in the living room with all else present and tons of interruptions all the time. I am soo glad when I have a thought or two to process…I now can 🙂
Tonight, I was sitting here, reading a book with my laptop next to me and I was distracted by some movement out of the corner of my eye. My screen saver had kicked on and a scrolling message was playing a message you have all heard on at least more than one occasion. A message I have reminded myself of often this past year as the scale has refused to budge despite my efforts.
“Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one.”
If this is true then what is the measure of my heart these days? If this is going to be more than encouraging words for me, I thought I should probably take stock. Unfortunately folks, it isn’t too pretty, at least not from my perspective, not in this moment.
- My old habits refuse to die. Just the other day, after having a frustrating morning I went in to the kitchen where my mom was feeding the nieces and nephews pizza rolls for lunch. 1. I wasn’t hungry. 2. I had a different plan for lunch. But I was pissy and they were there and I ate them, quite mindlessly. After a while I realized I just ate a crap load of crap because I was pissed off. Sometimes, my emotions just drive me to places I don’t want to go. The problem is, I don’t open my eyes fast enough to re-direct the car before I slam full on into the cement wall of poor choices, emotional eating, and then beating myself up for it.
- I continue to refuse to believe people when they compliment me. Call it a self-defense, self-preservation mechanism or whatever you want to, either it is happening more and more or I am just more aware of it as I become even more self-aware. Just the other day, I showed up to meet with G.I Jess for a session just as she was wrapping up with her other session. The girl looked at me and told me how great I looked. She said she remembered seeing me when I first started because I would always come after her on Friday nights and she was just a couple of weeks ahead of me. While I KNOW the scale doesn’t tell all and I KNOW other numbers have changed, I have a hard time accepting that compliment when the scale has not changed. I later asked G.I Jess, how much she paid her to say that. See. Disbelief at its worst.
- I find myself often wondering what would happen if I just stopped. Could I just stop? Some days, it just feels hard to keep on keeping on…and yet to not seems even more impossible. It is like the Matrix. I now know something else exists and is possible and I can’t go back to who I was and be happy ever again. Now that I have drunk from this water of a healthy lifestyle, while difficult and frustrating, it brings so much more freedom and fun and LIFE than going back. I can’t go back.
- No matter how much I tell myself that things are changing and I am changing and can even now see other numbers changing that indicate that I am in fact disappearing…I still want the scale to line up with the rest of it. It is still disappointing to not see that number change. Frankly it also scares the heck out of me to see my weight ticker having crept back up to 299.2 lbs. That is far too close to 300 lbs for my liking. I THOUGHT it was almost time for another assessment with G.I Jess. I was getting scared. What if the scale still doesn’t change? What if it creeps over into the 3’s again? How will I handle that? CAN I handle that? I was quite relieved this week to hear her say that since she just started me on a new food plan in the last 2 weeks, she will wait until after the triathlon on July 3rd to do another assessment. I felt such relief. I have more time to get this thing right.
So with all of these thoughts about different things, and believe me there are more, oh so many more, here is what I notice. This comes after this post taking several days to write because I fall asleep typing. So what I thought was awful on day 1, is now not so bad. So here it is.
I am not perfect. I mess up, a lot. I eat bad things from time to time, sometimes more often than I like. At times my emotions get the best of me before I even realize it and I do stupid things as a result. Sometimes I want to quit and others I know I will never quit. I AM wonky. My feelings ebb and flow, rise and fall like an oceans tide. Some minutes they are a tidal wave, threatening destruction on the fragile structure I have set up to keep myself going and other minutes it is just a gentle wave that gently pushes me back towards shore.
Nope I am not perfect. I am not always in balance. I still struggle with an all or nothing attitude where one mess up can send me reeling. However, I am better than I once was. I am making progress, despite it all. After a year and a half of this journey of being most consistent I now know, I am not a quitter.
So what is the measure of my heart? How does one measure a heart like this? I don’t know. Some words come to mind though when I think of where it is at.
My heart in this moment is wanting for more, longing to see more changes, grateful for all the changes so far, proud of my journey, glad to be in this moment, afraid of my history and what could be, paranoid that I will fail, sensitive to my story and how it plays a part in all of this, perplexed by the mystery of the scale, needing to be seen and heard, fixated on a number, humbled by the mercy of God, astounded by the people in my life who stand with me and for me, overjoyed and overwhelmed with all I have done so far, afraid of my own expectations, and terrified to fail and yet more terrified to not even try.
2 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to identify all those feelings. So I would say, the measure of my heart is…GOOD. HEALTHY.