This journey that I have been on has been…just that…a journey. There have been times in the last year or 2 that I have wanted to quit. I have cried. I have been pissed off. I have been ecstatic. I have been determined. Courageous. Humbled. Arrogant. Frustrated. Sad. Happy. Overwhelmed. Scared. Inadequate. Supported. Loved. Heard. Self-indulgent. Self-hating. Energized. Confident. Loving. Lonely. Adventurous.
There doesn’t seem to be an emotion/feeling that I haven’t had at some point in this…journey. Yet, I suspect, that there is a world of emotions and feeling yet to be had. For now, I want to add one more to the mix.
Grateful. I need to write this blog, because I am certain at some point I will forget this stuff…and some wise friend of mine will have read this and will then be able to toss my words back in my face when I most need them!
So Yes, I am grateful. Prior to getting sick this week I was beginning to feel tired of running and working out. I went to work and I ran and when I wasn’t running I was at the gym. If I am honest with myself, it was getting old. Until I got sick and couldn’t do it. I had no energy for it. None at all. I took two days off work, and slept through them both and when i wasn’t working I was sleeping. By the end of the third day, I was longing to run in the sunshine again and to see G.I Jess for a killer workout.
So now that I am healthy again I am finding myself in a grateful place. As imperfect as my body is STILL, there is a lot that is good about it.
It is strong and healthy. I do not have blood pressure issues, blood sugar issues or thyroid issues that often accompany obesity.
I have really strong legs that have carried around a lot of extra weight for a really long time. Now they run. They are muscular and if I were to pick a part of my body I like the most, it would be my legs.
I took a personality quiz recently and it described me as an “emotional” person. This cracks me up! And I am grateful because I know how easy it is to not be emotional.
Today, I found myself talking to a blog follower, turned friend, who has recently asked me to be her “Coach and Aaron”-someone to whom she can be accountable to with her weight loss. As I listened to her and heard her story and the struggle she is in, I found myself knowing that place well and pulling out the archives of truth that my Coach and Aaron have told me. Truth that once sounded like clichés but that I now know and believe to be true and can honestly pass on. Again I am grateful. Grateful for the friends who stick by me when I am going crazy…and for my own stubbornness that won’t let me quit, not this time! But more than that…grateful that God is using my crazy story to provide hope and encouragement to another fellow traveler.
I am even grateful for this journey itself and for my story. I was asked recently if I could re-live one year of my life, which one would I choose? I would choose 2008-2009. It has been the most difficult and yet the most hope fulled year so far. If I had not had this time, I would never have seen how strong and capable I really am. I may never have learned to embrace my emotions or to stretch the limits of what I can do physically. I wouldn’t have come into a really honest relationship with God and I wouldn’t have known the indescribable feeling that comes over me when I know I am walking in trust.
I know I am not done yet. I am not even sure what done looks like or if I will recognize it when it arrives. I do know this…I am a little bit closer to “Beautiful” now than ever before, with “Beautiful” being defined as wholly healthy.
So yeah. Grateful. That is me today.