I had KFC tonight. And still….am struggling to get to my 1800 calories for the day. I am sitting at 1460. This is the way my week has gone. If I am tracking, I am too good at maximizing healthy, filling foods, into as few calories as possible. I have even managed to figure out how to work snacks into my work day, which is hard to do given the job I do.
So why do I feel guilty about the KFC if I am not over calories?
Here is why.
KFC is a crutch for me. It is comfort food. I only want it when I am stressed or something emotional is going on. With that said, I did not plan to eat KFC tonight. Had I pre-planned or even pre-thought about KFC, I would have sent an SOS text out into the world. Instead, here is what happened. No excuses, just the facts.
1. I gained 2 lbs this week. Don’t know how, but I did.Been somewhat (ok a lot) discouraged by this.
2. Been especially crabby and tired this week. My cold is back. I know I am retaining water which means one thing and one thing only…and I have been feeling especially lonely this week…probably triggered by the same thing causing water retention.
3. I had a long day at work.
4. Received a not so pleasant email from a friend accusing me of some not so pleasant things that I don’t want to deal with.
5. On my way home, I was dealing with some of the natural consequences of 18 months unemployment…not so fun.
After finishing up some somewhat stressful phone calls, I headed to the kitchen to make some dinner only to find a bucket of KFC there. Without thinking, I pulled it out and ate.
It was only afterwards that my brain kicked in and I realized what I had done AND how that kind of eating was directly related to my day and the emotions involved.
I hate when I realize this behavior. Like I said, no excuses. I ate what I ate, for the reasons I ate. The only way to change it is to puke it up which just leads to a whole new pattern of behavior that is completely unacceptable in my eyes…(which I have never done before, by the way).
So now, I get to move on. But those great theories I have of not letting the past define you and letting things be what they are and not getting sucked into the shame cycle…are soooo much easier to talk about…when on the other side of it all…