My Shrinking Ass, Part 1

This is going to be a two-part blog post.  My perspective first followed by Coach’s perspective on the same story.  Yes folks, we are finally going to get a guest post from the infamous Coach!  I have wanted to blog this story for a while, but then Coach wanted to write it.  I wanted to share it for a couple different reasons. 1. It is funny.  2. I am not there anymore.

Circa 2005/2006, I was attempting to lose weight.  In this go-round I had enlisted a team of people who I trusted to speak honestly into my life, to help me in this endeavor.  One of these people was Coach! I didn’t know Aaron yet or he might have been one of them as well.

Anyway, I gave the whole team this letter of commitment.  What my plan was and how I may try to cheat the system.   How I lie.   The whole thing. I told them just about everything I could think of that I have done in the past when I was struggling and not doing well.  I laid myself bare and asked for help…a HUGE step for this girl at the time!

What I didn’t come out and say (because I was not fully aware of it myself) was the effect that men had on my weight loss.  I was just beginning to get an inkling that when I lost weight previously, it was about the time I lost 50-60 lbs and it began to get really noticable, and people started commenting, particularly men, that I would fall off the bandwagon.

Quit.

Give up.

Start hiding.

Making excuses.

Gaining it all back.

While I recognized it on some level, I was not aware of the depths to which I took this method of self-protection.  Nor was I willing to deal with the reasons why at the time.  So each time it happened in the past, I never recognized the new scenario.

So one night, I was talking to Coach about my progress.  I had lost about 60 lbs at the time.  And truth be told, he was the only one from the team that was being actively involved and taking me at my word about how I hide and so therefore was checking in with me frequently.  I don’t remember all the specifics of our conversation, afterall, it was almost 5 years ago now, but I do remember his comment to me that night.

Coach is a funny and very witty guy.  He loves to play with words and use them in the best way possible.  So as we were talking he said this to me. “I love watching your incredible shrinking ass!”  I laughed so hard.  I could hardly breathe.  Anyone who knows me knows that when I am laughing really hard I don’t breathe!  I loved it!  It was funny and clever and encouraging.

Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize, however, that in the core of my soul, something shifted for me.  My weight loss began to plateau.  Then it began to increase.  I still talked to Coach but I didn’t know what was happening.   Then I began to feel ashamed of my gains and avoided conversations with him because I didn’t really want to lie but I also didn’t want to tell him that I was gaining either.   Over time, I just faded away.

Much later, I realized that it was his comment that sent me panicking.  On some level, the thought of some guy looking at my Rear End was too much for me.  Granted, Coach is, always has been and always will be a good friend who loves me for who I am and only wants to encourage me in what I say I want.   So it isn’t as if he was interested in me.  It wasn’t as if he was looking at me in a sexual way.  He was simply noting my weight loss and enjoying watching me succeed!

I have said before, my weight has served me well for what it’s purpose was at the time I started gaining it.  Self-protection. In this instance the self-protect instinct kicked in without just cause.

Unfortunately, I NEVER told Coach until we were filming earlier this year for my TBL audition tape that his comment was the thing that set me off track last time I had seriously attempted weight loss.  It came out in the interview and he was shocked, to say the least.

You can see why sitting at 60-65 lbs lost with no progress has been tough for me.  You can see why I have struggled so much with not losing more and wondering how much of the comments I am getting on my looks these days has played into it.  I still do not know, but I do know that I have not gained, which is progress.

Being connected to my feelings has helped and staying in touch with my core people when I am feeling like that is playing a part has been helpful.  I also think that looking at my sexual abuse issues in-depth this past year has really helped.  I now know when I am feeling unsafe or vulnerable as the result of comments and I speak it out and speak truth in instead.

So that is the funny comment that sent me reeling once before, but no more!  At this point I have looked in-depth at the reasons why I gained my weight and how I have used my weight to keep people away for years.   I will continue to look at this for as long as it takes because I am sure at some point the urge to run, to hide and to self protect will come up again.  I know now though that it is not necessary and I am fortunate to have people I can talk to about this stuff as it comes up.   Truth be told, I want to and I intend to get married one day, hopefully sooner than later, so I cannot run anytime a guy notices me.

Wow, as I re-read this, it’s not such a funny story afterall.  Quite sad actually that I let an innocent comment, intended to encourage me to derail me so easily.  Perhaps Coach’s story will highlight more of the humor in it.  I have no idea what he is going to write.  I trust him though.  He can say what he likes…you just enjoy it!

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6 thoughts on “My Shrinking Ass, Part 1

  1. Body weight can absolutely be used for insulation from things. That was part of the reason I gained so much weight..I just wanted to disappear, really…not attract any attention to myself (not realizing that being as tall as I am and weight so much DID draw more attention to myself than had I just been a normal weight!?!)

    So, I combat it by posting pics of my ass on my blog! ROFL…insane..I know. Anonymously, of course….but still…it was my way of combating that whole “hiding” thing I guess.

    It is good that you are getting to the heart of it and thinking it through so carefully….it will definitely help as you continue to lose.

    I focus now on health and physical fitness…more so than any other aspect of my weight loss. That seems to help. I want to be strong…..physically and emotionally….and each time I lift weights or run I feel stronger and stronger. It has been a great journey for me.

    You are doing an amazing job, by the way! I am going to add you to my blog roll!!

  2. Pingback: Perception vs. Reality & A Different Kind of Exposure :35 and Shrinking

  3. Pingback: WS #4 Don’t Make Rash Decisions | The Road to Beautiful

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