pseudoperfectionistcantletanyonedowndoitrightallthetimeallornothing kinda girl

I was talking to Coach today about my “tired-ness” that I am experiencing once again on this journey.   When I told him I simply wanted to check out and coast for a while and not think about any of this for a period of time, he simply said “ok”.

What?

Permission granted?

Wait! Why do I need his permission to take a break anyway?

Hold up!  Who does he think he is telling me it is ok!?

Seriously?  That is all it took to have one of my key people agree that a break is ok?

Suddenly, I wasn’t so ok with a break anymore.   It started to smell of something rotten.  Quitting.  Giving up.  Failure. It even started to smell a bit lonely and sad.

I am sooo not going there.  I have come too far.  However I do need to figure out a way to balance this journey out a bit.  It seems I am all in or right on the edge of being all out.  Either I am doing it perfectly or I am failing miserably.  And of course I can never let anyone down and if I do then I just gotta hide out for a while in hopes that they won’t say anything.  I think that may be what is exhausting me.  This mental striving for perfection and never wanting to disappoint anyone followed by the beating myself up because of course I am not perfect and I will always fall short.  But what can I say, I am that kind of girl.  Yes, Coach, I am certain I have bruises on my brain from all of this beating up I do.

So, my goals for the new year so far include:

  • Balance on this journey
  • No speeding and no grandpa driving on this road, a nice respectable even pace
  • Repeat this phrase every day until I believe it and can live it out.
    I am not perfect!  I do not have to be perfect!  I will fail!  I will get up again!  It is ok!

I am not perfect!  I do not have to be….

Thanks Coach for the Jedi mind trick thing you did to me!  No my fellow readers, Coach was NOT agreeing to a break for a breaks sake, unless I really really needed one.  He was being intentional in trying to snap my head around.  Testing me if you will.  It worked! (of course he explained this to me AFTER I reacted all crazy-like and got all upset that he would let me off so easy 🙂  HAHA!

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9 thoughts on “pseudoperfectionistcantletanyonedowndoitrightallthetimeallornothing kinda girl

  1. Speaking as a “recovering perfectionist”… I have found it sooo much more freeing to adopt the motto: Progress, not perfection.

    And, in typical perfectionist way, I said it to myself repeatedly… until it sunk in! LOL!!

    Have a wonderful New Year,
    Loretta
    =^..^=

  2. Great post, and it all sort of alludes to the concept of moderation. I’ve noticed that a lot of us who have issues with food seem to really have issues with moderation. I *totally* get you on the “all or nothing” attitude. It took me about 5 years of doing Weight Watchers to realize that having a bad day on the program didn’t mean quitting.

    You’ve been doing awesome (and I haven’t even noticed that you’re now well under 300lbs!!!!!). Keep it up, and if I remember correctly from your older posts you said that around the 60-70lb mark you would give up in the past – don’t let that happen this time!

    As usual I’m so inspired by you, and so proud you’re doing so great!!! Hooray for Coach with his special mind-trick skills, haha. Happy 2010!!!!

    • Thanks Sarah and Loretta too!

      Yes I am at that same point as my historical drop out point….but I am determined to battle through it Sarah. I am sooo not quitting!

      Don’t praise Coach too highly. He will get a big (ger) head! 🙂

  3. I read that first paragraph and said “Ooooh he pulled the Jedi Mind Trick!”

    We really are the same person. And also geeks! ha ha!

    I love this. I struggle with the “all-or-nothing” syndrome as well. And it seems that my extremes are extremely extreme, too. When I am disciplined, it is straight up rigid. But when I am doing nothing, I am reeeeeeeally doing nothing.

    Balance is a beautiful thing, and I believe you are finding it. Hugs.

  4. Great job so far!

    I saw a link to your blog from Angela Solis’ blog.

    I too am on a journey to lose lots of weight. I started at 335.6 and am now at 158.8 (as of this morning). Goal is 150 or 25% body fat, whichever comes first…

    My first timed race ever will be a half-iron aquabike part of a triathlon in July… (Gotta register for scary things to keep myself training! LOL)

    I did this once before and gained it all back plus almost 100 more, so this time I’m ALL ABOUT MAINTENANCE… I’m reading everything I can about it and developing a detailed plan.

    That 5% that manage to keep it off are real live humans living real lives and I am going to do everything in my power to be one of them.

    Keep on keeping on, and thanks for sharing!

  5. One thing I have tried to do throughout this whole journey is adapt my plan little by little so when I reached my goal weight I would be doing what I needed to do for the rest of my life. Yes, that makes it slow. And yes, it does get frustrating. And yes, I do go the wrong way on occasions. But, the plan is working. I know yours will too.

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