Oh my! 11 days without a post from me! It has been a tad busy with Christmas and then a house sitting gig. I know, I could have used the homeowners computer but it was in a cold basement, as opposed to my laptop in my bed with me and well, frankly I didn’t have anything to say. Really. I didn’t. Honest.
Ok, maybe I did, but I didn’t want to. In all honesty, I more didn’t want to take the time to think about what was going on as opposed to not wanting to say anything at all. It has been a somewhat lethargic week, following some crazy angry emotions for no good reason at all, all summed up by HORMONES. So in hindsight, it was probably best I NOT speak in the moment any way.
So now that I have a little rational perspective, the crazy anger is gone but some of the lethargy is still present and if I am really, really honest I am in a place of being tired of all of this again and just wanting to give up. I know, I get in these moods, I write about it or talk about it (yeah, letting people in to the raw truth), and it actually helps and I don’t actually give up. But still, silence doesn’t make it less real or make it go away faster!
But I am beginning to experience a glimmer of hope and inspiration again.
Tonight, I had the incredible priviledge of talking to this gentleman who is a friend of a friend of mine. My friend, Ennio, knows something of my journey and has seen the little I put on Facebook about it. He and I had a little conversation one day and long story short, he connected me with this guy named George who has been on a similar journey of health and fitness and has lost a ton of weight. I forget the exact number he told me but I think it was darn close to 200 lbs lost. (perhaps if he reads this, he will correct me.)
Anyway, George and I finally had a chance to talk tonight and share our stories and frankly I am feeling a glimmer of inspiration again. It was great to talk to someone in real-time who understands in very real ways the struggle of this journey. He knows exactly where I am coming from and where I am heading when I say I just want to shrink away and hide and not let anyone in to this journey with me. He “gets” the shame wrapped up in the number on the scale and all the conversations in my head whenever I exercise in public. He really understands the roller coaster that this journey is and he gets why it is difficult at times to simply accept the well intended and kind compliments on my weight loss thus far.
He gets it because he has been there. He has done that. He is still doing it. He is not finished yet either. 2010 is his year to finish this part of his journey off and I intend on cheering him on all the way “home”, by finishing what I started too! Go George Go! I am following your lead!
Now, while I am experiencing renewed inspiration and hope that 150 more lbs is possible, I am also freaking out a bit. George gave me some things to think about.
1. What is my plan? What is my committment? What will 2010 look like, specifically besides the races and triathlons? Am I willing to get very specific about my weight loss goals for this year? Yikes! Ok how about 1 month at a time? Perhaps, my vision of what this journey might look like is a bit lacking. I have allowed the road to lead me thus far and for a while it worked. But I wonder if it is time to pull out the road map, look at where I am, and chart a very specific course!
Ok, that feels like drudgery and totally rigid. I like to be spontaneous. Such detailed plans sound boring and mundane and a recipe for failure for me. Perhaps I need to rethink it as an opportunity to fail magnificently?? I don’t know guys, I am talking out loud here. All I now is everything in me is resisting getting specific AND being held hardcore accountable to those specifics.
2. Letting people in to the journey. I know. I have this blog. I talk about how involved a few people are, so you might think that I have let everyone in, but I haven’t. In fact, there are some specific people I have intentionally left out. Is it wisdom or fear driving that decision? I do not know yet. I need to think on it some more.
3. My future husband. I do want to get married. It is in my plan. I hope it is in God’s plan for me. I know I have come a long way towards this goal. And, based on my conversation with George tonight, I have a long way to go. He challenged me to think about my wedding night and what my body will look like to my new husband. Will I be so self-conscious of what he will see that it will hinder my ability to really be with him? Can I just say FREAK OUT!! I actually started shaking. It is a good thing this was a phone conversation! I was seriously freaking out about that thought and NOT because I was concerned about what my spouse might see. I am not going to go into the details of my freak out here. It is far too personal, but suffice it to say, I am not sure I am ready for ALL that marriage entails yet, aside from my physical body. There is more work to be done.
Now for a brief disclaimer…for those of you in my real life that are walking this out with me…all this praise of George and his “getting” it, does not discount you or your voice in my life. In fact, I am certain some of the things he shared tonight are not foreign to me, as some of you have said similar things. However, I think George is a fresh voice AND he is doing these things on the same journey as I. Which translates to, it just takes less explanation.
And now for one final thought…