Currently, it is 3:51 AM and my night owl ways are at an extreme, especially considering I have NOT had coffee today and Crazy Kate is not visiting. However, this time I am not alone. I have spent the better part of yesterday and now all of today thus far with a particular friend. We had intentions of going to sleep a few hours ago, however, as is typical for us, we started talking about life. Where God has us, our frustrations with His vague plan, and why things don’t look like we would want them to look, as well as the blessings He has shown us as we walk out true living. No, we do not talk about doom and gloom all the time. There has been much laughter and hope in the conversations tonight.
Anyway, as this friend and I decide to just stay up all night and reap whatever we will reap tomorrow because of it, she has pulled out the wrapping paper and scissors and I have pulled out the computer to blog about one little conversation we had tonight. Her idea actually, so yes I have her permission to share!
One of the conversations that came up pertained to dating and relationships and the fact that both of us deeply desire to be married one day. Sooner than later. The conversation was all over the board. Are we putting something out there that is somehow unattractive to men? Is it simply our weight that keeps men at bay? What if we lose the weight and a guy STILL is not interested? Why is it that some women, who in our judgement are far less attractive in personality or looks or both seem to have found attractive, good men and are married, and yet we remain single. In our opinions, we are not bitchy or high maintenance and we are pleasant and dare I say FUN to be with. We are not ugly, in fact I know for a fact that she is beautiful…and she would say the same of me. Although she is currently working through a bad haircut (her words, not mine)
Somehow all of this conversation turned to the idea of being refined. That perhaps we are being refined before we get the blessing we want. Yet this too raises more questions. What is so special about us that we “get” to be refined so thoroughly first? How come others don’t have to go through this process?
In the midst of our conversation, I had a thought. I am certain it did not come from me. In fact, it was probably another one of those little warnings from God that comes before destruction that I talked about in the previous post. You know. The warnings to get off the pedestal before I get knocked off? Yeah that one! Yes, graciousness abounds!
Again, I am no Bible scholar, but according to the New Kim Translation, there is a story “somewhere in the Bible” about some workers who were working for some dude. Some started work early in the morning, some in the middle of the day and some only a few hours before the end of the day. When the boss man came around to pay the workers their wages, they all received the same wage. Those who started working early did not find it fair and complained to the boss. “How come they get what I got for less work?”, was their basic gripe.
The boss man said to those who were complaining that he chooses what he chooses to pay each worker and basically it is none of their business.
Yeah, so the process God takes us each through to mold us into the creation He intended is different for each and it does us no good to compare and complain because it “appears” that one person has it easier or better that the other. In fact, according to this story, it is none of my business and I should probably just stay out of it and leave it to God. But here is the thing, my judgmental ass likes to be up in it!!
I think I just climbed back up the pedestal instead of back down…Dang! Wrong direction! Let’s try this again. While yes, some of our conversation held many questions that are really quite unanswerable without getting all up in God’s business about things that don’t have anything to do with us exactly, but rather how He chooses to be in relationship and bless others, much of it has also been about the beauty in the struggle. Yes I did say the beauty in the struggle. While our stories have not necessarily been easy to live out and we have each had our share of fears and doubts and questions along the way, we also know this. God is faithful. I will only speak for my self on this in this next piece.
A few months ago, after “crazy Kate” visited, I wrote out a timeline. From the time of my worst betrayal (sexual abuse) until now. I plotted out all the times that I can remember that I had an opportunity to look at my story on some level.
This is what it revealed. God has been with me from the beginning. That event was significant enough to Him that He decided to pursue me even then. I am certain He would have thrilled at the possibility of redemption happening back then before I got lost beneath the weight and yet I am certain He knew I wouldn’t or couldn’t. Not yet. So instead, I see a pattern of pursuit. A display of His faithfulness and love. A beautiful journey that just became more aggressive in the last couple of years and that I have finally begun to respond to. So with all of that said, I choose to press on. To trust this God of mine, that clearly holds my heart in His hands and has held it all these years. This God who truly does have my best interest in mind. He can pay His other workers whatever wages He chooses. As for me, I will be thankful whatever He chooses to give me.
I think my friend is on the same page with that too!