Comfortable Arrogance

I am not a Bible scholar by any means.   However, I know a little bit.  And what I know I couldn’t tell you exactly where except it is in the Bible somewhere.  That is my disclaimer for this next bit o’ blogging.

I seem to recall in the Bible stories of God humbling His people over and over again.  It seems that one King would lead His people in worship and praise and trust and all manners of living for God.

And God would show His favor on them and bless them.

Then the next King would begin to get a little arrogant and start to believe that the blessings his people were enjoying were because of him or the work they are doing or some other god.

God would warn them.  “Don’t go there!”  Don’t eat THAT apple!”

The next King would get even more arrogant and seeing some of the blessings his ancestors had enjoyed going away would get fearful and think it was because other gods were messing with them.  So this King would build idols and begin making sacrifices to those other gods to try and pacify them and forget about God with a capital G.

God would warn them again.  Beg them even.  Please please don’t go down that road, come back, walk with me and you will enjoy the blessings of your ancestors. He might have even used the famous father line of “if I have to count to 3!”

Eventually, the arrogance of the nations would get to be so great that they discounted God completely and God would be forced into a reckoning.  A humbling of the people He loved so very dearly.  I am certain, quite certain in fact that God does not take pleasure in having to discipline those whom He loves, however He loves them (me) enough to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get their attention and to draw them (me) back to Him.  He has been known to allow entire nations to be destroyed!

Finally, a new King would come to be and this King would recognize  the arrogance and all the havoc that they were bringing on themselves because of the arrogance.  He would heed the humbling, the discipline, and he would then remove the idols that the recent generations had put in place.  He would lead his people back to the true God.

And God would see their hearts had been turned and He would BLESS them.

Then the cycle would repeat itself.  Again.

And that is the New Kim Translation of the Old Testament!

So what does all this ancient Bible history have to do with weight loss or my journey to beautiful?  Excellent question!  Well let me tell you.  I ain’t so different from those ancient Bible characters!

Over the last few weeks I have had a sense of comfort settling in around me.   As I have reviewed this past year and all I have accomplished I have taken stock and realized that the things I have done and where I am at are NOT insignificant.  I am proud of the journey I have been on.  It has been good.  Fantastic actually.  You can read the archives for details but in brief…65 lbs lost, 2 5k’s, 2 10k’s, 2 triathlons(relay style), learning to feel, and no longer shrinking from my story.

I have grown comfortable though.  Am I comfortable at todays 296 lbs.  Well, no, I am not.  However, I was recognizing on some level that I was getting comfortable sitting at my 290.6 lbs.  I have grown comfortable with the size I can wear now and all I can do.  It really sank in for me when I saw today’s number and realized I WASN”T comfortable with that.  Amazing how I didn’t recognize (with an ability to name it) the comfortable feeling until it was gone.

I have found a “level of despair I can tolerate and am calling it happiness.” (I don’t know who said that originally, but I didn’t make up that line, it is by someone far wiser than I)

But that is not all.It would be nice if that was the extent of my issue, but I am afraid not.  Read on if you dare.

The pride I have been feeling about my accomplishments is good.  As I said, they are significant.  However, I believe my pride has moved on into arrogance.   Not so good.  It has been showing up in my attitude of what I can and cannot get away with “because I ran a 10k” or because I know I can just go for a nice long run to take care of it, except I don’t.  Because I KNOW I can fix it later, I have been playing games.  Because I KNOW calories like nobodies business, I have been inconsistent in my logging and tracking.  So in reality, who the heck knows how many calories I have really consumed in a day.  I am certain on some days I have gone far over and others far under, to compensate for the day before. In recent weeks I have gone back to my old ways of intentionally “fasting”.  This is not necessarily a bad thing except instead of doing it occasionally to cleanse my body to some degree, I am motivated more to do it out of guilt.  Not so good.   All this instead of sticking to the plan, with discipline and because I KNOW the plan works.

It is arrogant to think that I can do this alone or that I HAVE done any of this alone.

Like those first generations of people under the first humble king, I have been blessed.  Despite the weight I have accumulated on my body and the abuse I have heaped on myself physically(through food) and emotionally as I have lived in self contempt and shame, I have a body that can run.  I know plenty of people who are much smaller who cannot run because of knee or hip issues.  So far I have none of those.  THAT, my friends is God’s blessing to me.  I did not create my body I just get to use what was given to me.

Despite being closed off and impenetrable at times, I have friends who love me and have stuck by me through all my wonkiness and even ones who have deliberately walked into the wonky battle to pull me out of it, to fight by my side, or to fight for me when I was immobilized by my fears. (for some reason the battle scene in LOTR-The Fellowship, is coming to mind where Pippen and his other hobbit friend jump on the back of the giant Ork in the caves just as Frodo is about to get killed-and they save him)  That my friends, is again God’s blessing to me. I have been given my own Fellowship.

Despite my crazy head not EVER wanting to fully acknowledge my abuse story, God has pursued me in this and at times quite aggressively.  While I did do the work, the healing I have experienced has come from Him and Him alone.  I know, no I KNOW that where I am at today emotionally, is because of Him.  I could not have come to any level of forgiveness without Him and I certainly would not be at  the place of trust I am at with Him had he not been willing to step into my story with me, to walk with me and to let me have my feelings.  God’s Blessing.

So now that I am recognizing all of this comfortable arrogance within me, I see that I am living like that 2nd or maybe 3rd king.  You know, the one that is being called back.  The one that is hearing from his Father “If you don’t get back here, to the place I am asking you to be and do the things I am asking you to do, by the time I count to 3, there will be consequences.”  For the record, the next King reaps destruction.

Yeah, I am afraid the humbling, the reckoning, is coming.  If I don’t turn back now.

Isn’t He gracious?  He is giving me an opportunity to change my wicked ways now, to climb down off the pedestal I have placed myself on (Yes, I have become my own idol), before He is put in a position of having to “love me well” and knock my ass off of it!  One thing I know about God, is He is a jealous one and He does NOT put up with idols, even me.

Now, does anyone know where the ladder is so I can climb down the same way I climbed up?  One rung at a time.  I really REALLY don’t want to get pushed off.

Aww never mind, I think I will jump.  He can catch me, right?


3 thoughts on “Comfortable Arrogance

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