Failing…Not So Magnificently

Wow!  Adjusting to working is taking longer than I thought.  Every process I do each day takes so much thought as I think through what I am doing.  I cannot wait until some of this stuff becomes second nature to me because, man, by the time I get home at night I am exhausted and falling asleep at 8.  I force myself to stay up till at least 10.  Sometimes I get a 2nd wind that keeps me up far later than I should be, but I certainly don’t want to be the old lady who goes to sleep before the kids do!!!  I am only 33 and without children!!

As a result, I come home with full intentions of cooking a nice healthy meal after going for a run or ride before it gets dark.  Unfortunately, despite being one-armed due to surgery, my mom has been cooking every night.  I get home and a hot meal smells so good and I have no mental energy to fight the deliciousness coming from the kitchen that is mom’s unhealthy cooking or to cook something different for myself.

So, I haven’t been tracking, I haven’t been cooking, and I haven’t been exercising.  I have failed on all fronts and in a not so magnificent way. I have eaten McDonald’s and KFC on a couple of occasions.  I hate that!  I was doing soo good at resisting those things!

I also think the not weighing in for a whole month is working against me.  Every time I eat something without counting it…basically everything since I said I was waiting to weigh in…I think, “it is ok, I have the whole month!”  Well guess what!  It is almost the end of the month and I have had more bad days than good.  I know my reasons for attempting this was to alleviate the wonkiness I had about the number, but I think this is worse.  I will take the head wonkiness about a number over this procrastinating, self indulging, “I can do what I want” bull shit I have been telling myself any day.  I am weighing in on Tuesday.  I am certain I won’t like the number, I certainly do NOT want to report this number to Coach and Aaron, but what can I do but own it and move on, right!?  It isn’t like they or anyone else is gonna love me any less for it.  Sure they might be disappointed…but so will I.  On some level though, I feel like I have let them down…and you all who faithfully read and have been encouraged by my journey.  Those two guys of mine have invested a lot of themselves into my journey.  They have both spent countless hours encouraging me, listening to my whining, and building me up.  Adam should be included in that group as well for that matter!  So I hate that feeling.  But even more than that I hate that I have let myself down.  This feeling really sucks.

So, I have done some research.  My local Running Fit store offers a free running group on Monday nights.  I will be there starting next week. (Tomorrow night I am Mt. Biking with a guy from work and his friend Bob!)  The store also offers a running class on Wednesday nights.  I will be starting that  this week.  I am hoping this will help prepare me for my 10K on Thanksgiving, especially with my speed.  That is 2 nights a week, that I will be committed to others to run with them and one I will be paying for!  SO despite everything else, all I need to do is get my but moving 3 other days each week, at least. I can do this.  I know I can.  I gave myself time to adjust to the work schedule.  I am done giving it time.  3 weeks is enough.  I am now taking control again.  No more excuses.


11 thoughts on “Failing…Not So Magnificently

  1. Kim, it sounds like we both need to have a strong week. I don’t have near the reasons you do. Getting back in the swing of working has to be tough. I know you can do it though. May this week be a blessed week for you!

  2. I was wondering how you’ve been doing…the balance will come with more time…and before you know it will be just habit. Good luck with the running group and preparing for the 10k. LOL, I’m preparing for a 5k WALK on Thanksgiving…haha. Well, we are all at different levels and that is ok! Try not to beat yourself up too bad. You know what to do, and you’ll do it.

  3. Hang in there Kim. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who just doesn’t have the energy at the end of the day. Sounds like you have some fun biking and running things on the horizon. I’d struggle with weighing only once per month, but sometimes we have to try something different to know whether or not it will work for us.

  4. You are right, you do have alot of people that count on you for enspiration. I know because I am probably your biggest fan. I feel sometimes like a stalker because I am constantly waiting for your next post. You have really helped me more than you will ever know on this hard weightloss journey. Saying all that…now I will say this…I still sit here waiting on your next post because I know you are human and you have ups and downs just like I do. If you didn’t have them I would feel like I was a failure, but I know we all have them. The honesty of sharing these hard times just makes it all real. We should never get to the place that we feel there will never be slip-ups in this journey.

    I have been sitting at the hospital with my Dad for over a week now and I am having a really hard time finding a place and time for any workouts. I am maintaining my weight but I certainly am not losing and I feel yucky from the food am eating (or the lack of eating all day). We all have those times where we get off track and unfortunatley we probably always will.

    I love reading your blog….thanks for being honest and for being human just like me. 🙂

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