“Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.”
**I don’t normally sit on posts. I write. I spell check. I Publish. I do not know how people write “ahead of time” and “schedule posts” to be published at a later date. When I have something to say, I just say it. However, this post, I wrote yesterday and sat on it for a few hours. Then, because it contained some stuff that might be surprising to Coach and Aaron, I sent it to them first. There are some things they should not find out on the blog, given their role in my life. Then I continued to sit, not really wanting to publish this. So, here I am just gonna stop editing, hit publish and be done, before I hit delete instead.
I was updating my weight ticker today. As I went to type in my new weight with today’s date, I looked a little lower on the screen and happened to see the last couple months of entries. The very last entry said:
June 23rd, 2009- 291.6
As I saw that number, I thought, “That can’t be accurate!”
I went back to my phone where I had texted Coach and Aaron from the scale and looked at today’s number thinking perhaps I was remembering it wrong.
In two months time, I have gained and lost the same weight over and over again.
On one hand this is very discouraging and frustrating and and I am wont to believe that this time is not different. But then I am reminded that, in times past, there would not have been this fluctuation. It would have started with a gain one week, that just continued on as I silently retreated away from those who knew what I am up to in this arena. That is what I have done in the past and it has always been about the time I lost the amount I have currently lost. So you can see why seeing the same number as 2 months ago might lead me to feel like this time is not different and to fear the worst.
I also do not discount all of the emotional stuff I have been working through these past two months(ok the last year and a half) and the fact that I am not just battling weight loss here. But day by day, that story line seems to be getting old to me. It feels less real and more like a story I am telling myself so that I have an excuse to stay in this spot; to not move forward and win.
Here is what I have noticed about myself and how I am in this journey. I feel like I am beginning the self sabotage thing again and starting to pull away. Avoiding specific conversations. Not lying, but not telling the truth either. I know this pattern and unfortunately, I am subconsciously very good at doing this without being detected. Last time I lost this amount of weight and pulled away Coach didn’t even know what was happening until, well, until we talked about it on camera for my TBL video just a few months ago. It was quite shocking for him and became quite the discussion. You might also question me on this because I am blogging more than ever about all sorts of things and heck I just did 2 legs of a triathlon last weekend and can’t wait to do a full one next year! However, very little if any of my blogging or conversations with my inner circle, consist of concrete stuff about what I am doing or not doing as far as eating/exercising goes. The truth is I am not counting my calories specifically and my exercise has been sporadic at best with a huge push just before the triathlon. Fear of public humiliation is a huge motivator! When struggling with cravings, I have also not been calling on my inner circle for help as I have in the past.
I find myself doing just enough to stay off the radar and it has helped that I have had the triathlons this summer to focus on. If I didn’t have those, who knows where I would be. Perhaps I might have recognized this pattern of behavior sooner? Or perhaps I would be back over 300 lbs?? I do not know. All I know is what I am recognizing now. A past pattern, an old habit, a bygone way of behaving and I do not like it, not one bit!
I say I am tired of the struggle. So why struggle? I know what it takes to take weight off. Just do it! Right? The reality is, I am always going to have to deal with life and emotions and history and the shit of life as it comes up and rears its ugly head. I cannot use it as an excuse to stay in this place and to not move forward. I can’t. I won’t. Not anymore. If I do, then I am just a victim to my past story instead of one living out a story of redemption, grace, restoration, resurrection, and healing. I like the living story idea better. It seems more suited to who God created me to be and how He created me to live. You know, that whole thing in the Bible that talks about Him coming that we may have life, life to the full!?
I don’t know how my blog or conversations will look going forward, but if you don’t see something specific on at least a weekly basis about what I am doing on the practical front, ask.
I do know though, that I am tired of the struggle. Tired of half-assing this journey. Tired of playing not to lose. I want to actually dare to win!
So here I go! Do you dare to go with me? To win for yourself?