I have slowly begun sorting out my thoughts and I am sure there will be more blog posts to come as I continue to sort. Be patient I am trying really hard to not make one ginormous post!
As I was thinking about this past year and all of the many changes that have occurred in my life I began to look at pictures and ended up putting together this collage. ( I also updated my progress pictures, so check em out!)
Anyway, back to changes. Growing up as the fat girl, people would often say very well meaning things like “you have such a pretty face, if only you lsot a little weight you would be beautiful!” Word to the wise…that is NOT a compliment! In the last 5-7 years or so though, I don’t recall anyone ever saying that to me. Instead, I have heard things like “you are so beautiful!” Not pretty, but beautiful. They would say it as though it was a part of who I am and not the results of what I have done or as a part of my personality. Initially, I would simply dismiss this comment. I mean, isn’t that what you do when something so foreign comes in? Well, after a while, I realized by dismissing the comment, in essence I was dismissing the giver of the comment. So I began saying thank you and smiling.
Over time, I began to say such things as well about myself but in reality I never really believed it. I would often joke about my beauty or my “hotness” or about how the men around me can’t handle me!
Then this past year hit. It has been an incredibly hard year. During this year (just since August 2008) I have done the following:
- Lost almost 65 lbs
- by the end of August 2009, I will have participated in 3 triathlon relays.
- I learned to swim
- I am learning to run
- I have taken spin classes
- I have obtained and actually USED a gym membership on a regular basis
- I have applied for The Biggest Loser and have an amazing video of my life
- I have confronted my abuse story and continue to do so as I see that past story interfering with my current and future life
- I have done part of a high ropes course
- I have laughed a lot, cried even more, and even get down right pissed off at times. I feel, a lot!
- I have shrunk out of most of my clothes
- I am learning to trust in new ways and seeing how often I don’t every single day
- I started this blog and have written in it a ton. In the process I have apparently managed to inspire a few others along in their own journey’s. This alone is quite humbling.
This is all I can remember right now without re-reading my entire blog. I am sure that Coach or Aaron or Jen or the others in my life will be quick to point out all I am forgetting when they read this. Regardless though of whether every detail is noted here, the reality is, a lot has been accomplished. Much ground has been gained through hard fought battles.
Earlier today, I was looking at the different versions of this photo collage I put together and I just started to cry. The thought that went with the tears was simply this. “That girl is beautiful, and that girl is ME!”
When Aaron wrote his guest post, he said this. “To me, the “Road to Beautiful” is not about a journey where the destination is beauty (one “method” of determining worth) but rather a journey of acceptance of beauty that is already there and has been there all along.”
In this collage I am not any where near where I want to be weight wise or where I hoped I would be one year later. I have been struggling a lot with fear and doubt as to whether I will make it past the 65 lb mark. I have been battling my past and my story like never before and yet, in every single photo, I am happy. When I look at these pictures I see so much joy behind the eyes. In my mind, I remember a really hard year, but the pictures tell a different story. The pictures speak of joy and beauty. A story of a woman living life. A woman who has not given up. Normally, I would say a picture of me with latex wrapped on my head and a huge double chin would not be attractive, and yet that is one of the ones I find most beautiful!
Today, as I looked at these photos I BELIEVED what people have been saying. I am learning to accept what has been there all along.
I am beautiful.