I was looking for something else today in my Bible…something I read once/heard recently about something being promised to me…”if I do not grow weary”. In my search, I found this passage in Ephesians 6 of The Message. In this moment of feeling very overly vulnerable with all I have shared in this blog and with friends about my life…this moment of feeling like it is all impossible and too much to take on…this moment of being over tired and wanting to just throw in the towel…this perhaps was the best thing for me to find as I have already grown weary. It might be too late for that promise of what ever it was I was looking for, but this, this just made me weep as I realized once again I am fighting an all out war and that provision has already been made.
10-12And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
13-18Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.
Once again, God has set me up for His purpose, to be strong. He has given me the very weapons I need to win and fight. The best materials. People with whom to share, so I don’t have to feel overwhelmed. Knowledge of what and how to do this thing. He has even provided me with a gym membership. This is not a triathlon that I can go do in the morning and come home and rest and be lazy the rest of the afternoon. To win, I must remain diligent at all times. That is the nature of war. When a soldier lets down his guard and rests without making sure that his comrade is standing guard, he risks everything. I have not been using my tools and weapons effectively this week and it has been far more than I can handle on my own. I don’t feel strong today, not at all.
So I blog, when really I want to crawl into a hole and eat a bucket of ice cream or a pan of brownies. Because this blog is one of the weapons given to me.
(I think this would be a whole lot easier if I could pin point the exact cause of the weariness or vulnerable feelings I am having. While I can identify the feeling now, I am struggling with the cause…and if I knew the cause, perhaps I could FIX IT! Damn feelings…they mess with my head!)