One Step At A Time…

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I have a secret to tell you guys.  Some of you may not believe this, but it is true.

I have NO IDEA what I am doing.

I have an idea of where I want to end up when this phase of my journey is done.  I want to eventually arrive at a healthy, fit, athletic version of me who is not afraid to try something because of my weight.  I want to be someone who does not obsess about every food choice or who has to ALWAYS talk myself into exercise, but one who naturally loves healthy food and naturally loves exercise, 95% of the time.  But sometimes, quite often actually, the vision of what that looks like and the direction I need to go to get there is not so very clear.  Sometimes the fog rolls in quite thick and I am not even sure I am heading in the right direction.

Three weeks in a row, I gained weight, and was seriously wondering what I was doing?  Was history repeating itself again?  Was I doomed to never get beyond 60 lbs lost?  Who am I to be blogging about weight loss when I cannot even keep it going?  You know what I am talking about.  All the self doubting, self deprecating things we all say to ourselves when living in fear and doubt about just about anything, not just weight loss.

Then I headed off to the Gap Training and while I ran one day out of 4, I was pretty much in a room all day long (except for ropes course day), so there wasn’t much exercise going on and I was eating camp food.   While not the healthiest of food, it was at least portion controlled.  I did not weigh in that week as I just did not have time to look for a scale to weigh in on in GR. (Remember I am here all month-YAY!)

The first part of this past week, I was so crazy busy with a temp job and making a wedding cake and other obligations, I had no time to exercise.  On Sunday however, I began my serious swimming in Aaron’s pool so that I can be ready for the .4 mile swim on the 4th of July.  I have swam everyday since then.  Yes I know, it has only been 3 days…but still.

Today, I weighed in at a local Dr.’s office and found myself to have lost 6.9 lbs since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago.  HUH?  While this sounds amazingly good, I have my doubts about the accuracy of this measurement.

1.  It is a different scale than I normally weigh in on and I have no idea how it measures compared to my Detroit scale.

2.  Even without that factor, that seems like a lot to have lost in 2 weeks without a ton of effort being put forth.

I have resisted getting a home scale simply because I know my obsessive ways and I am likely to be on that thing every day and just making myself wonky about a number on a scale.  However, Coach suggested this to me today, as I can take the scale with me when I travel.  I wouldn’t have to scramble and look for a place to weigh in if I had one.  And I can practice more self-discipline by NOT getting on it everyday!  ( I highly doubt I will be good at that part)  I am looking into it.  It certainly would make things a bit easier and I wouldn’t have to doubt the scale if it happens to show a really good number while traveling.

Regardless of whether my loss is 7 lbs or 2 lbs, any loss this week would be good and a great indicator of my place on the road in this journey.  As I started out saying, sometimes the fog rolls in so thick, I can hardly see where to place my foot in the next step let alone the vision of the place I want to be at the end of this road.  Sometimes the winds of doubt and fear blow so strong, I cannot hear the voices of those around me cheering me on and telling me which way to go.  Sometimes, it isn’t even anything as dramatic as all that.  Sometimes, I just settle into complacency.  I think I am doing “good enough” or the “best I can” given the circumstances.  Or I think I HAVE this thing and forget that it has HAD me for so long, it is not going to give up very easily.  I let old habits slip in, “just this once” or I think that this “little bit” won’t matter.  I get slack in my diligence.

Regardless of fog or wind or rain.  Regardless of doubt, fear, or the subtle complacency…I can always see at LEAST the very next piece of ground in front of me, so I can ALWAYS take one more step…forward.

So what is my next step?  No idea. I told you…I don’t know what I am doing here guys.  I am on this journey with some idea of what I want, but the path to get there can vary and is long.  This is what I do know.  Eating the right amount of calories and exercising daily has gotten me this far, quite successfully.  So I guess I keep on doing what has worked in the past…even if I can’t SEE past the fog to see my vision of where I want to be. One foot in front of the other…

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14 thoughts on “One Step At A Time…

  1. Thanks for keeping it real, Kim. I sometimes think I’m the only one who struggles with this. WTG with the weight loss. Teresa

  2. WooHoo!
    Look at that weight loss baby!
    Let me know if you are hanging out I would love to join while you’re in GR.

  3. You know what, I jump on the scale most days… It’s a great way for me to see my progress. As long as you don’t allow it to make you crazy, there is no harm.

    • yeah see, I would go crazy and start doing stupid stuff like restricting calories more because of basic daily weight fluctuations that are NORMAL!!! SO I suppose if I put a system of accountability in place for it, it wont be a big deal. BUt I have done that in the past…when I was living in GR for about 2 weeks I started jumping on the scale everytime I was at the gym (every day) and started seeing myself do stupid stuff like that….I think weekly progress reports and scale feedback is enough for me…

  4. Kim that was perfectly said. The road is very long and different textures day to day.. Some days my road is convayor belt that I am just sailing on and then others is like quicksand and I need all the help I can get. But you are right as long as you can see the ground to make it one more step, there is no reason to turn around!!\
    BTW- I made your comment a new blog post.

  5. Heh heh. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

    I love that statement. I think that if I, or others, would actually admit that more often, I’d/we’d be a lot freer. Food for thought for me today.

    Regarding the loss, enjoy it baby! =)

    • Yes my dear Tail Wagger, It is not an easy thing to admit, especially in a culture that prides itself on appearances. I have subscribed to that culture and am quite good at putting on a good face and acting like I know what I am doing and where I am going and all of that. And yet, just saying that I don’t know what I am doing is so much more freeing. It is like the pressure to perform is off and there is more grace for what Aaron calls magnificent failure.

      I love you!

      Angel glower (what was it you called me? or that I did that was my version of tail wagging?)

  6. Okay, I’m not ready to embrace a “magnificent failure”, but I am able to wander around without a clue and admit it. Sometimes. (Just being honest!)

    Love you *angel glower*!

    • Perhaps I should have Aaron explain Magnificent Failure…but I will attempt to do so. In my understanding it just means if you are gonna fail,(which we all will) why not fail big. Magnificently. Take a huge risk for what you want and if you fail at least you know you gave it EVERYTHING you had and nothing less, hence a magnificent failure. THe upside, if you succeed, because you risked everything, you will then have a magnificent success, instead of a little success.

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