I have a secret to tell you guys. Some of you may not believe this, but it is true.
I have NO IDEA what I am doing.
I have an idea of where I want to end up when this phase of my journey is done. I want to eventually arrive at a healthy, fit, athletic version of me who is not afraid to try something because of my weight. I want to be someone who does not obsess about every food choice or who has to ALWAYS talk myself into exercise, but one who naturally loves healthy food and naturally loves exercise, 95% of the time. But sometimes, quite often actually, the vision of what that looks like and the direction I need to go to get there is not so very clear. Sometimes the fog rolls in quite thick and I am not even sure I am heading in the right direction.
Three weeks in a row, I gained weight, and was seriously wondering what I was doing? Was history repeating itself again? Was I doomed to never get beyond 60 lbs lost? Who am I to be blogging about weight loss when I cannot even keep it going? You know what I am talking about. All the self doubting, self deprecating things we all say to ourselves when living in fear and doubt about just about anything, not just weight loss.
Then I headed off to the Gap Training and while I ran one day out of 4, I was pretty much in a room all day long (except for ropes course day), so there wasn’t much exercise going on and I was eating camp food. While not the healthiest of food, it was at least portion controlled. I did not weigh in that week as I just did not have time to look for a scale to weigh in on in GR. (Remember I am here all month-YAY!)
The first part of this past week, I was so crazy busy with a temp job and making a wedding cake and other obligations, I had no time to exercise. On Sunday however, I began my serious swimming in Aaron’s pool so that I can be ready for the .4 mile swim on the 4th of July. I have swam everyday since then. Yes I know, it has only been 3 days…but still.
Today, I weighed in at a local Dr.’s office and found myself to have lost 6.9 lbs since my last weigh in 2 weeks ago. HUH? While this sounds amazingly good, I have my doubts about the accuracy of this measurement.
1. It is a different scale than I normally weigh in on and I have no idea how it measures compared to my Detroit scale.
2. Even without that factor, that seems like a lot to have lost in 2 weeks without a ton of effort being put forth.
I have resisted getting a home scale simply because I know my obsessive ways and I am likely to be on that thing every day and just making myself wonky about a number on a scale. However, Coach suggested this to me today, as I can take the scale with me when I travel. I wouldn’t have to scramble and look for a place to weigh in if I had one. And I can practice more self-discipline by NOT getting on it everyday! ( I highly doubt I will be good at that part) I am looking into it. It certainly would make things a bit easier and I wouldn’t have to doubt the scale if it happens to show a really good number while traveling.
Regardless of whether my loss is 7 lbs or 2 lbs, any loss this week would be good and a great indicator of my place on the road in this journey. As I started out saying, sometimes the fog rolls in so thick, I can hardly see where to place my foot in the next step let alone the vision of the place I want to be at the end of this road. Sometimes the winds of doubt and fear blow so strong, I cannot hear the voices of those around me cheering me on and telling me which way to go. Sometimes, it isn’t even anything as dramatic as all that. Sometimes, I just settle into complacency. I think I am doing “good enough” or the “best I can” given the circumstances. Or I think I HAVE this thing and forget that it has HAD me for so long, it is not going to give up very easily. I let old habits slip in, “just this once” or I think that this “little bit” won’t matter. I get slack in my diligence.
Regardless of fog or wind or rain. Regardless of doubt, fear, or the subtle complacency…I can always see at LEAST the very next piece of ground in front of me, so I can ALWAYS take one more step…forward.
So what is my next step? No idea. I told you…I don’t know what I am doing here guys. I am on this journey with some idea of what I want, but the path to get there can vary and is long. This is what I do know. Eating the right amount of calories and exercising daily has gotten me this far, quite successfully. So I guess I keep on doing what has worked in the past…even if I can’t SEE past the fog to see my vision of where I want to be. One foot in front of the other…