I woke up this morning pretty tired and mad at myself for not going to sleep sooner, knowing I HAD to get up by 8 AM to be able to get all I needed to get done, done.
I had a conversation with a woman whose child has experienced abuse such as mine, but on a far greater scale, (as if there is a scale to measure such things) in my opinion anyway. I heard how her child has begun to deal with it and it became clearer to me that we all deal with things differently. We all internalize and process things different. No one way of doing this is better or more right than the other, it just is what it is. I also heard a mother’s heart for her child to know she is loved. I was blessed by this conversation in so many ways.
I was driving on some errands this morning and I happened to look down. I am wearing my favorite jeans from 50 lbs ago. I still love them and will likely always keep them. They are old and have grown soft and now they are huge on me so they are oh so comfortable. I needed comfort today so I wore them. Along with it I am wearing a shirt I had made when I was going to a casting call for TBL. On the front it says, “I have a story to tell” and on the back “Pick ME”. So I look down and I see my favorite jeans and the words on my shirt. I also noticed, that my stomach is further from the steering wheel than in years past and as crazy as this sounds coming from a 300 lb woman, my stomach is flatter than it once was. I heard this verse in my head from John, “My peace I give to you, My peace I leave with you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled (aka don’t be discouraged) and do not be afraid.”
Breathe…Breathe…relax….I am not alone in this….
I do have a story to tell. I have my past story that God is re-writing and as He does so, He is using it to impact others. I also have the story that is yet to be written, my future. My past was written for me, as that is how I chose to be in it. I chose to check out of the writing process, to become numb. But not now. Now I am fully engaged. Now, as a free woman, I have choices.
I was warned that spiritual attacks may come after a declaration to live differently is made ( The LEAP), so I was expecting it, but I was not expecting it to come this way. In tiredness, in a way that seems so ordinary. I have been looking for the more obvious…well now I am on to the trickery at hand!
I will not check out. I will not detach from my story. I will not continue in this way. There is too much at stake for me and for others, for me to let this battle be lost. Seeing the flatness of my stomach and the words on my shirt, just reminded me of where I have come from. It told me in a real way, more than my words or anyone else reminding me, that this time is different.
So here is me….getting up…again.