One Giant Leap For Kim…

Before I begin, a reminder, that the Between Season’s Summer Challenge has begun!  There are a few people who said they were in, that I am waiting on starting weights for, but all in all, it is not too late to get in on this.  So far, we have 13 people challenging/spurring each other on to the finish!  Let’s DO this Thang!

****************************************************************************

I was back in GR this weekend and had an absolute fantastic time, of course!!  I was about to write “But here was the absolute best part…” and 4 things (or more) come to mind.  SO let me rephrase. There was one part of the weekend that probably has the most significance in my journey and that happened Friday Night.

Here is some background.

Exactly 1 year ago, this week, I was at a retreat center where I shared my story of sexual abuse in all of the detail I can remember, for the first time ever.  It was painful and hard, but oh so powerful.  While at this retreat, I felt very clearly like God was inviting me to look at my abuse story, very intentionally, through a program called Retelling.  I have resisted this invitation for a few years at this point when friends have invited me.  This time I felt like God was inviting me and that He was saying to me, “Kim, if you would look at this part of your life, in this way, there will be something big and beautiful in it for you, and I want you to do this.  However, no matter what you choose, My heart and My intention is to heal you anyway.”  It was such a tender invitation, not a demand or an expectation or a challenge.  I said yes.

I had to wait until September for the next session of Retelling to begin, which is really a 12 week class.  However, that did not mean that I was not thinking about this subject all summer long.  This past year has been incredible despite continued unemployment, despite really hard stuff, all because I knew I was not alone.

God has been such a gentleman this past year.  Always encouraging me and inviting me further than I FEEL like I want to go.  Never putting pressure on me when I am CERTAIN I don’t want to go somewhere.  Always assuring me of His love.  Simply sitting with me when I need to stop and assess.   Always leading the way but never dragging me along.  He seems to be able to lead while staying right by my side.  And for the last 7 months, He has allowed me to fully feel some pretty intense feelings of anger and betrayal that have put me in a place of not feeling like I can fully trust Him.  He has been ok with that.  It is not a problem for God for me to have honest feelings or to express them honestly.  He doesn’t get angry or frustrated.  He doesn’t walk away and give up. If anything, He moves in closer and says, “When you are ready to talk about this, I am here.”  Then He waits.  A gentleman I tell you.  A true gentleman.

I think I wrote about this about a month ago, about how I feel like God was saying, “we are no longer going to walk on this road with distrust between us, it is time Kim.”  I knew then, it was time to really deal with this issue and I, too, wanted to be done with it.  I was ready to move on, but I didn’t know how.   What does forgiveness look like, when you are looking at a person who has not been in your life for 27 years and you will never see again?  What does trust look like?  How do you make those 2 things happen when neither is something concrete?

Well, here is the conclusion I have come to.  Forgiveness for me is about letting the man go that abused me.  Letting go of my hold on what his punishment may be by God one day.  Letting go of any expectation of God to “deal with him” in any way.  It means knowing that God IS pursuing his heart as much as He pursues mine and allowing that to be ok.  It means trusting that whatever God does, He ultimately knows best, and I do not have to try and play God or tell God what is right and just and true.   And all of this still does not mean that God is any less sad or angry about what happened either.  He simply has better perspective than I do.

So, while talking one night to ABS about all of this stuff, we decided that he for his reasons, and I, for mine, should take a symbolic Leap of Trust into a pool. ( I don’t jump into pools…I don’t jump at all!)   So on Friday night, I went to GR, and ABS and I both shared parts of our stories and what this jump meant to us. I made a declaration of trust. A choice to trust God fully and completely and to really give this man to Him.  Then we jumped, together, while holding hands like school children, because in our minds, no one should ever have to jump alone!

It was cold!  It was significant.  It was far less emotional than I thought it would be. It was significant. There were just a few present, Coach, Aaron, Adam, ABS, and Phil ( a pastor friend/mentor of ABS and Coach) and Scottie showed up in the middle, not knowing WHAT was going on.  But here is the really significant thing. God is soo amazingly cool in this.  I had read that wounds happen in relationship. Therefore, what better place to have healing take place than in community, in relationship. My wound, my scars, are from the hands of a man and his twistedness. My healing, my provision from God has been a community of men, strong men, trustworthy men, honest men, men who have walked with me, cried with me, cried FOR me, who don’t judge me, men who find me beautiful, men who see what I don’t, men who call me to greatness, men who believe in me.  Friends.  I am beyond blessed.  Beyond understanding.  I can look back over my life, especially the last year, and see all the ways God set me up for Friday night.  How can I not trust this Gentleman God of mine?

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “One Giant Leap For Kim…

  1. Wish I saw the light as well as you do. You seem truely happy and peaceful about life. I strive for that just feels something is missing.

    • Karla, I happen to be in this season now. One year ago, I was not. Something was missing. IT wasn’t until I stopped resisting that I began to feel and think like this. IT has been a long journey that goes back much farther than this past year…I have only been blogging though since I stopped resisting. REsisting feelings, resisiting GOd, resisting looking at the abuse, reisiting looking at my relationships, resisiting looking at how I have impacted them by my silence and with holding what is real and true for me, resisiting teh cold hard truth of what keeps my weight on, resisting myown power to change, resisitng the gift that I am…hmmm perhaps this should be another blog post…so EVERYONE will see, I have NOT always been in this place…

      When in doubt about what GOd is pursuing you on…look at the physical universe around you…He uses that all the time, to show you what he wants to change,…and if it is still not clear…choose something and begin…He will join you

  2. I’m a little misty-eyed. I feel like I don’t have a fraction of your realization about our gentleman God. But, I know He can and will reveal Himself to me. That’s my Hope that I shall cling to. Thank you for sharing this Kim. I am so happy you have such a great group of friends!

    • Perhaps you have needed to know a different aspect of who GOd is, while I have needed to know his Gentleman character…try not to focus on the parts of HIm you don’t know, but rather focus on how HE IS revealing Himself to you…then you will see so much more…

  3. I need therapy! LOL I guess my anger gets the better of me. Its easy to blame someone who you can see. I have never been a real church goer. We went when I was a kid, forced to go, and then I refused to get confirmed. i went to a Lurthern church. I haven’t really been back since unless it’s a wedding or funeral. My hubby would never ever go and that is fine. I feel torn for my son, I haven’t baptized him or anything. I want him exposed and yet choose his own religion and path. I don’t know. I am very conflicted because I am so angry about all the loss in my life, hardships I have had. I know they say we are here for a reason but am I really? Doesn’t feel like it.
    Oy.. this is a huge issue with me it seems..lol

    • hmmmm may I suggest you read “THe Shack” A fictional book about a man who feels as you do, and how God shows up for him. REad it, and let me knwo what you think!

  4. Pingback: Hotly Contested Ground « The Road to Beautiful

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s