Both….And

Well, you all know from my previous two posts there is quite a bit of sad stuff going on in my life right now.

Here is more. I gained 1.2 LBS this week.  Basically all of my loss last week is back on my body.

More disappointment.  More frustration. But really, I don’t have the head space to analyze it to death and evaluate every minute of  the last week to see what, if anything, could have been different. It is what it is. I am moving on towards a different result next week.

Before all the sad, disappointing, tearful stuff started, I had plans to do a test run of a cake I am making for Scott and Jeanne’s wedding next month, today with my brother(who once was a pastry chef at a 5 star hotel).   We had already talked over all sorts of ideas and we were going to make one so he could teach me how to make things like….gonaush, Chantilly Cream, chiffon, butter cream, whipped cream, meringue…all things needed for my cake ideas.  So despite my sadness, I had this to do today.

One of the things I used to think about emotions, and really part of my fear of getting in touch with them, is that they are all consuming.  If one is sad…then it is ALL SADNESS.  If one is angry…then it is ALL ANGER.  No room for anything else.

THis is what I noticed today.

The disappointment about the job, is still here. I really wanted it.

AND

Aunt Gin is gone. So very sad.

AND

My friends are getting married in less than a month and I am incredibly excited for them as they plan to begin their new life together.

AND

I get to have a part in making their celebration happen by making a cake.

Throughout the day, while I learned all sorts of things about cake making…I thought of Scott and Jeanne and was incredibly happy and excited.  At other times, thoughts of Aunt Gin and some random memory would come in and I would experience a mix of happiness at the good memory and sadness that she is gone…and sadness for her kids and what they must be feeling right now.

Then there were thoughts about job prospects, what is going to happen next? Will I make it back to GR anytime soon?

Ultimately, what I noticed is that, the emotions are not all consuming as I once thought. You can have a myriad of feelings in a given day and being happy for Scott and Jeanne does not diminish or get rid of the sense of loss brought on by death or by the loss of a promising possibility. It was cool to notice myself going back and forth from moment to moment, from sad to happy, to excited, to disappointed…and none of it triggered irrational urges to eat or to go off and hide.

Then there is the joy of tasting homemade butter cream frosting and making something that is gonna bring a smile to peoples lips!  One piece of this cake sent me into a sugar overload.  I have a headache and the shakes.  That is what I get for shocking my body with more sugar in one day than it has had in 8 months total!

Emotions can be a both/and thing not an either/or.  I like that!

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