Double Whammy Of A Day…

I had planned on coming back from GR and having this grand post about a really cool run I did while there. That will come, but on another day.

The regulars know that I have been unemployed for some time now and have moved back home to cut costs. I apply for jobs all the time, but in general I only talk about the ones I really want or sound promising. Sadly there has not been many of those.

However, in the last month there has been one I really wanted for a couple of reasons. First, it would bring me back to the place I consider home, GR. Second, it is a job that fits me. It is one I know I would love and something I know I would be good at. After my second interview, I remember telling Aaron that part of me doesn’t want to hope too much because then if it doesn’t work out, it won’t be as hard. Well, now that I am all connected up to my feelings…not being hopeful is not really an option any more. Pretending a feeling doesn’t exist actually takes work now as opposed to the old normal of never knowing what I was feeling.

So it was really hard today to find out I was not going to be hired. I held it together during my conversation with the HR lady. Was ok, sort of, when I emailed a few people to tell them. Managed ok during a chat conversation with Coach and ABS. But I could no longer deny the reality of how much I really wanted this one when I had to actually speak it out loud when Aaron called to check in with me after he got the email. I cried.  I hate crying.  Especially in front of others.  Ultimately, I won’t be moving back to GR anytime in the immediate foreseeable future. 😦

I also got news today that the last of my Great Relatives, Great Aunt Ginny is dying. Soon. It is a matter of days.

March 2009, isn't she beautiful?

March 2009, isn't she beautiful?

Aunt Gin is 87 years old and the last of 12 siblings remaining. Her sister, was my grandmother, my mom’s mom.  As a kid of maybe 12-15 years old, I would spend many weekends at her house.  I loved spending time with Aunt Ginny. My ears got pierced at her house by her daughter Laurie-Ann.   It hurt so bad when they used ice on my ears, I refused to let them continue on with the piercing of my ears.  Aunt Gin convinced me to let them.  A bag of candy helped her cause 🙂

She used to wake up in the middle fo the night with cramps in her feet.  She would walk the house, eating a banana, trying to make the cramps go away.  I couldn’t fall back asleep until she was back in bed with me.

She used to make these yummy chocolate bars at Christmas time.  She was a great baker!  It seemed like the stuff she made at Christmas, we would still be eating on in the spring.

I learned to play Euchre at her house as well as Hand and Foot.

I probably learned a good deal about sarcasm from her. Even in this picture in March, her memory gone, she knew she knew me, but couldn’t remember my name, she was still spunky and feisty and sarcastic, telling me it was my fault she couldn’t remember because I didn’t tell her my name!

Today I went to see her…to say goodbye before she is gone.  But the woman I grew up knowing and laughing with is already gone.  She is truly in the final stages of life.  The woman I saw today did not even look like the woman in the picture, which was taken only a month and a half ago.  The only thing about her that was the same was her hair.  She never did get the wiry gray hair that many old people get. Her hair has always remained incredibly fine and soft.  I sat next to her for a long time, touching her hair, praying for her, hoping she was not in pain, and telling her (just in case she really could hear me) that this was one hell of a way to get me to come see her!  She could have just asked.  Even in her death, our relationship would not be the same, if there was not a touch of sarcasm and teasing.

I love this woman!  She will be missed. I don’t remember too much about when my own grandma died.  I remember I was about 12 years old.  Still quite young to fully understand all this death stuff and I was already quite disconnected at that point anyway. I have been to funerals of some of Aunt Gin’s siblings as they have died over the years.  While I knew them all, they weren’t people I was ever really close with.

So this will be my first funeral for a family member, whom I love and adore, in a real way.  Very sad day!

Despite all this, I know I am healthy.  Not once today did I want to numb out with food.  If anything, I had to remind myself to eat regularly and I did.  Despite the extreme amounts of sadness today, I would rather feel it all, than go back to where I once was.  I am thankful for the feelings, even though I still don’t like crying 🙂  But that is another blog, for another day.

Sad on this road…

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4 thoughts on “Double Whammy Of A Day…

  1. I’m sorry that you had a bad day… The right job WILL turn up. And you have some lovely memories of your Great Aunt.

    Thinking of you!

  2. Your aunt is a beautiful woman. It is so sad when we have to say goodbye to people that we have such wonderful memories of. Never let those memories go because that is probably the best thing she could have ever given you…happy memories.

    Some people probably think it is weird when you talk about numbing out to your feelings. I know exactly what you are talking about. I was numb from childhood until a year and a half ago. I didn’t know a person could have so many different feelings and when I first starting allowing myself to feel instead of just going numb, omg, I loved it and hated it. It is funny how most people go through life with the ability to feel and I never realized how much I wasn’t feeling all those years. It was kinda like being reborn and having to learn to live again (because without feeling I was never living before). It makes me feel good to know someone else has experience the whole numbing thing.

    Thanks for that post today, I needed it. I know you will find the job you are looking for….sometimes we just have to stand still and wait on God.

    • Leisia, I think numbing out is more common than we think. I have liked to think I was alone in this all these years. Then I started writing about it and I am finding that EVERYONE numbs out to one degree or another and that I am not alone in it. IT is very encouraging to know that! It has been awesome to get emails and comments of people that understand adn share their own stories with me, not to try and make me feel better, but because they too feel like they have someone they can share with who will understand, they now know they are not alone. LIKE YOU!

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