Confessions (updated)

I had a great week this week in so many ways.

1.  I had an interview that went phenomenally well, in my opinion.  And it was for a job in my beloved GR!

2.  I had inexplicable joy this week.  I had no good reason to be so joyful, but I was and still am really.

3.  I had a phenomenal loss to report. (5.7 LBS)

4.  I officially and for surely committed to doing 2 legs of a triathlon in August, and Angela said yes to doing the biking portion.

5.  Had some great workouts.

6.  Got a great dress for a little bit further down the road.

So much good stuff going on this week.  Except for what happens next.

First, I realized that snacky food items are just not good for me to have around.  I went to Whole Foods this week and found these really yummy snacks called Veggie Straws.  They are like shoestring potato chips but made out of veggies.  I also found Snapea Crisps.  Made of..you guessed it snappeas.  They are a great little snack, totally can replace chips in my book!  However, I must say, even “healthy” versions of snack foods in abundance is no longer healthy. I have discovered I clearly do not know how to eat a “healthy” portion of snacky food items.  I ate a whole bag of Snapea Crisps in one day.  Granted, a whole bag is 3.3 servings and less than 500 calories total, but that is besides the point.  If the bag had been 10 servings, I am certain I would have eaten the whole bag.  So from now on, no “healthy” snack food things unless I am at a party or something.  At least not until I can gain some control in this area.

Secondly, Mother’s Day.

I went to my brother’s house for lunch on Sunday to celebrate Mom and my nephew who turned 9 today. Lunch was a great meal.  We had grilled chicken, salad, fruit, macaroni salad(ok delicious but not a good choice for me), oh and cupcakes.   In general, this was not a bad meal.  IN fact it was pretty good.  Except I ate about 4 pieces of chicken.   I was stuffed.  Literally. I did not eat this much at Christmas! 

Later, mom and I went to my cousins house to say hello, where we had dinner.  Now mind you, I was still full from lunch.  But I ate anyway.  More chicken, this time with mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, macaroni and cheese, and broccoli…covered with cheese. Oh and a glass of wine!  I ate some of all of it, and far too much potatoes and chicken.

I was absolutely stuffed again.  I felt sick.  I have not eaten like this in a long time.  Seriously.  I soon had to leave due to cat allergies and as I walked to my car, my lungs were frantically trying to get the cat dander out of them and I began coughing.  At one point I was coughing so hard I almost threw up.  (Coughing this bad is NOT a good sign for me…it means I spent far too long around the cats…next step would have been not breathing)

Here is where the true confession lies.  As I almost puked trying to get dander out I had this thought. 

“oh how good it would feel to get this food out of me…I could puke and get it out…people do that…”

This is the first time I have EVER thought about “purging” (oh how I hate that word), after eating.  It scared me.  I knew instantly that if I did that, I would for sure NOT be heading in the direction I wanted to go. I did not do this. 

THe interesting thing was…it was not about the calorie intake at all.  It was to alleviate the STUFFED feeling that was just so miserable!  I don’t know why other people purge, I guess I always assumed it was about being able to have the feeling of eating while getting rid of the calories fast.  But for me, the desire came from wanting to get rid of that stuffed feeling.

The next thought I had was that I would just NOT EAT on Monday, to hopefully counteract any damage done by what I ate on Sunday. This I have done before. In a way it is a way to punish myself for poor eating and to try and regain control of something that I feel is spiraling out of control. I knew though that if I did this, there is not much difference between this and purging.  Both are unhealthy ways of dealing with food and over eating.  Both can be damaging to my body, especially if I do it long term or repeatedly for an extended period of time.  Neither of these are stops on the Road to Beautiful that I wish to get off at.  I did not do this either. I ate today.  Not the best, but I ate normal quantities of normal food.

Typically, out of control eating for me is triggered by something emotional that I am not wanting to deal with or an emotion that I am not recognizing as being present.  I was not sure what was going on.  I am still not completely sure either. However, if it was something emotional, these are the things I came up with that MAY have been triggers.

1.  I have not heard back from the job.  Even after an email was sent.  Up until now, my communications with the HR dept. have always been answered same day.  It has been 6 days since I sent an email with a question about time frames. I am very nervous about what this means.  Ultimately, I may not be back in GR as soon as I had begun to hope.

2.  I am very anxious about this triathlon, particularly the running portion. I know I have time to finish my training, to build up to running 3 miles straight and it really wouldn’t be that big a deal if I walked some of it…but I don’t want to finish crawling across the line.  I want to finish strong…so I am nervous because I am committed now!

3.  It seems when I have a phenomenal weight loss week….more than 5 lbs, I seem to forget my head and seem to think a great loss gives me room to slack a bit. I was re-reading my blog last week…still working through it actually and I have noticed that pattern. Grrrr…

4.  Oh yes, the other thing…I think I was paid a compliment last week, by someone I once knew in HS who found me on Facebook and discovered that I am losing weight.  He called me “big sexy” after saying congratulations.  Ummm ok.  Then he went on to suggest that further calories could be burned if I found a good man and took him to bed.  Uummm not my style. Marriage first please. AND HELLO!!!  You don’t know me!  Why are you saying such things?  I have struggled with accepting compliments from my men friends, whom I love and trust, and are in no way sexual in nature…let alone from some random person who is saying such things. So needless to say, I did freak out about this a little bit.  Ok, alot. Then I ended communication with him or he ended it with me once I let it be known, very clearly, where I stood on sex before marriage! 

Still processing/praying to see if anything else turns up but so far that is what I got.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Confessions (updated)

  1. Congratulations on the great loss!

    I know exactly what you mean… I can’t stand that stuffed feeling anymore either. It just feels awful!

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed for your job!

    • HAnlie..that loss was last weeks….this week only 1.2….nothign to be ashamed of…but don’t want to mislead you either!

      THanks!

  2. Wow, Kim. Good job on trying to figure out what the “trigger” was for you. That took some serious thinking/feeling. I’m really proud of you! As you know, I’m a similar journey and it encourages me to actually stop and think about what is bugging me. It’s hard to get into the habit of figuring out the emotions. So, again, good job my dear!

    • Thanks Alicia, Still not sure if those were “it” but they are things that stir within me so…jsut naming it out helps…it ain’t got not hold on me….not beyond those moments anyway!

      You can do it too girl…jsut takes getting out of our analytical heads for a bit…and noticing what is going on…

  3. With me and my workouts i have totally missed so much in your blogging. You look so great in your dress. Quite awesome looking Kim 🙂 I am also so proud of you fro your recent and huge weight loss. It seems like we are doing this. It isn’t easy and we go through a lot but we are sticking with it the best we can and we are making progress and it’s great that you also think about what triggers you to maybe over indulge. I know I get that mentality as well when i have a great weight loss. I feel like I can over indulge a bit more, but that’s not a good way to think. We still need to work harder than ever to continue moving forward and catching what sets us back.
    You are doing so well. Ms. Ariel and I know you,’ll do great in your triathlon in August. I am routing for you all the way….

    • been missing you around here too ROb…and on your page…but I suppose it is all for good reason…at least it is because you are working out and not because you are slinking off or anything like that!!

  4. What a journey it is, isn’t it. It is amazing the joy’s and hard times that come out of it all. Nothing we can’t walk through but just amazing anyhow. Great job. Oh yeah, what season of BL were you trying to get on.

    • Jason, I applied for the next one..I think it is Season 8. It started filming on May 4th and will air in Spetember I think. While it is disappointing that I am not there, I am grateful to still be heading in the right direction. SO far, nothing has stopped me for more than a couple of days at a time and those stretched are getting further and further in between and less and less in duration. I am quicker to own up to my “failings” and less likely to live in teh shame of it…so it is exciting. It is a journey, that is for sure!

      • That is awesome Kim. That is how we need to do it. Mess up yes, but further and further apart. Great insight.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s