“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over you.”(Griban)
A while back, I wrote about feeling betrayed.
I wrote of a sense that my anger about that betrayal was ok, and that I was being allowed to simply feel it, to own it, and to not rush through it. I didn’t HAVE to move through it or fix it or make it “right”.
Since then I have become comfortable in knowing that those feelings are still within me, unresolved, yet not being pushed to resolve them. Every once in a while, I would be reminded that this issue is not done yet, there is more to be addressed here.
“I know, God, but I am not ready for that yet.”
For the last 5 or 6 months God has seemed ok with that answer.
That time is coming to an end. The nudging has stopped and the all out pushing has started. He is no longer satisfied with that answer. If this life I live is truly a journey and I am truly on a road, I feel like I am at a crossroads. I want to go one way, the way of oblivion to this little “issue”. But I do not of course want to go it alone either. I started towards the path of sweet oblivion, and it is as if God has stopped. His intent is to go the other way, down the path of reconciliation and forgiveness and grace. Between us, and I fear between me and my abuser. He will no longer walk with me, with this between us. He wants it resolved and if I am honest, really honest, I do too. No matter how hard or painful it may get.
While He has stopped, He has sent His sheepdog (Spirit) to guide me in the right direction. No wonder they call Him a Shepherd!
My choices are this…walk back to where He is and begin a walk again with Him in that other direction or go it alone.
I am afraid.
But more so of going it alone.
I still get quite upset over the idea of this man receiving the same grace I have received. But I am sure that God in all of His infinite wisdom and mercy will bring me to the place He needs me to be and knowing Him, He will be most gentle, as He has been thus far. I am thankful for His gentleness and for the Jesus’ with skin on that he sends me always.
God seems to even use facebook status updates by ABS that has seemed very fitting to this as I have been thinking on this subject for a few days already, then to see these posts, and to have a conversation with someone about this subject…yes, yes, I am most definitely being led in the way I should go…comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
“And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen.”(Griban)
On the road…
“And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain” – Charlie Hall