On Being Shepherded

A sheep being stopped in its tracks

A sheep being stopped in its tracks

 “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over you.”(Griban)

A while back, I wrote about feeling betrayed

I wrote of a sense that my anger about that betrayal was ok, and that I was being allowed to simply feel it, to own it, and to not rush through it.  I didn’t HAVE to move through it or fix it or make it “right”.

Since then I have become comfortable in knowing that those feelings are still within me, unresolved, yet not being pushed to resolve them.  Every once in a while, I would be reminded that this issue is not done yet, there is more to be addressed here.

“I know, God, but I am not ready for that yet.”

For the last 5 or 6 months God has seemed ok with that answer. 

That time is coming to an end.  The nudging has stopped and the all out pushing has started.  He is no longer satisfied with that answer.  If this life I live is truly a journey and I am truly on a road, I feel like I am at a crossroads.  I want to go one way, the way of oblivion to this little “issue”.  But I do not of course want to go it alone either.  I started towards the path of sweet oblivion, and it is as if God has stopped.  His intent is to go the other way, down the path of reconciliation and forgiveness and grace.  Between us, and I fear between me and my abuser.  He will no longer walk with me, with this between us.  He wants it resolved and if I am honest, really honest, I do too.  No matter how hard or painful it may get.

While He has stopped, He has sent His sheepdog (Spirit) to guide me in the right direction. No wonder they call Him a Shepherd! 

My choices are this…walk back to where He is and begin a walk again with Him in that other direction or go it alone. 

I am afraid. 

But more so of going it alone.

I still get quite upset over the idea of this man receiving the same grace I have received.  But I am sure that God in all of His infinite wisdom and mercy will bring me to the place He needs me to be and knowing Him, He will be most gentle, as He has been thus far.  I am thankful for His gentleness and for the Jesus’ with skin on that he sends me always.

God seems to even use facebook status updates by ABS that has seemed very fitting to this as I have been thinking on this subject for a few days already, then to see these posts, and to have a conversation with someone about this subject…yes, yes, I am most definitely being led in the way I should go…comforting and disconcerting at the same time.

“And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen.”(Griban)

On the road…

“And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain” – Charlie Hall

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6 thoughts on “On Being Shepherded

  1. I totally feel and may even look like that sheep sometimes. Great picture and great thoughts Kim. I wholeheartedly applaud you in this process. Gives me vision and hope that I’ll make it through my “stuff” too.

  2. You are never alone when you have our loving and caring God in our lives. I am sure if you follow Him he will lead you to were you need to be in life. It isn’t always easy but the journey is well worth it. HE will continue to provide you with the strength to make the decisions that are right for you. Be strong, my friend.

    • oh Rob, it has been clear to me that I am not alone in this. GOd has had me on this path for some time now…probably longer than I think too. This is just another level to greater healing He is taking me too.

  3. Who is Griban? That quote at the end there about sent me reeling backwards out of my chair. Talk about shrinking me down, sheesh.

    You come up wtih some great stuff, sis.

    • read the All the ELements post…ABS was posting this stuff all last week on FB from this guy named Kahlil Gibran. Yeah….had me reeling last week too….See why I had to go see my counselor!! 🙂 It was wonderfully good though.

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