Meltdown Mania!

I had a meltdown today folks. A serious one…crying, sobbing really. Today should have been the day that I could write in here and shout from the rooftops that I have reached a milestone. That I had lost 50 LBS! Today should have been a day of celebration and victory. Instead, I had to text my guys, who have been excitedly waiting for this as well, news of a gain. Instead I am here to say I gained .5 a lb. I know, in the grand scheme of things .5 lb is not much. It is really small potatoes and does not change the fact that I have lost 49 lbs. But it is not the news I wanted to share.

The crux of the meltdown came with the fear that perhaps this time really ISN’T different. That perhaps I have not grown, changed, or been healed enough, to go farther than I have before. I have never made it past 60 lbs in any single attempt at weight loss. Fear, disappoint, discouragement. My wonky thoughts were back in full force, screaming that I can’t do this! That I don’t have what it takes!

Faintly in the background I could hear Coach shouting that I am still in transition…this time IS different…you can Do this Thang! You are learning what is gonna work for you there. But those other voices were far louder. Most of all of me was feeling like, I am on a downward spiral. This is how my stalling out happened “the last time”. Small gain here, hold steady there, even a loss thrown in now and then. I don’t want to believe the voices that say I am giving up just like last time. That I am getting scared (of what I don’t know, but fear is there) and starting my slipping away.

Still in the background, I can hear Aaron saying things like, stay connected…I believe in you. You are making such an impact. But again those other voices were far louder.

I do not want those voices to win. I do not want fear to win again. But I have to admit, part of me is feeling great pressure. Between the fundraiser I wrote about and my own expectations it is feeling overwhelming.

Here is what Aaron said to me that really started to break through those other voices. All of my positive self talk was NOT working, when he said this (gosh Aaron, I hope you don’t mind that I publish your words so often, but you say such wise things that so many can be encouraged by)

“While hoping for the milestone, I wasn’t surprised about the gain. Not at ALL because I didn’t believe in you but because the stakes in this are continually being raised and I’m sure the enemy is on full alert doing whatever he can to stop this. You and your impact, Kim L are a fork in the devil’s eye because he stands opposed to the tidal wave of healing and goodness that you and your journey represent. The lies, self-talk, and other bullshit are all attempts to halt or divert you from the exponential impact you are having bringing heaven to earth. The devil is trying to put YOU in a box, silly him!!! This is war and it won’t be easy, but oh how much greater is HE that is within you than he that is in the world. Feel and believe that!”

Email is often a poor way to share an emotion, but as I read these words the first time and many times over today, I could feel the passion in his words…it is as if Truth was fighting to be heard in my head and heart, over the other wonky voices screaming in my head, all the way from GR. It was heard Aaron, loud and clear, and oh so true. I have been fighting soo hard to not box myself in. Working hard to not live in such a way that I am safe all the time. A life worth living involves risk and courage. I refuse to let someone else box me in, especially the slimy devil who is just out to protect himself! I refuse to give in to the bullshit lies! I just may need help deciphering the lies from truth from time to time.

Tonight I was talking to Teresa and she said something about not looking too far ahead. But just looking at today. It resonated. I have been looking at 178 lbs to go, 50 goals on my goal list-ok maybe not 50 but at least 25, I have been seeing the pressure of the fundraiser, wondering where my TBL video is gonna go, if not on the show, and what am I gonna do about a job!! That is a lot of pressure folks! Sooo I am gonna try this method of thinking and see how it works. For now…all I have to do is eat well and exercise today. TODAY. I can decide again tomorrow to go again. This reminds me of the scripture that says, “DO not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.” Perhaps I should try and follow the wisdom of the Bible for a change!:-)

I am grateful that I have friends willing to get loud for me, willing to fight for me when I cannot fight for myself, cuz I am just bogged down. I am glad that they don’t give up on me or think I am too much. Friends who are willing to just listen and understand like no other and who won’t let me take any shit from anybody! (thanks JG and AM for today!) The wonky voices are still there, but not as loud as the Truth voices anymore. I can fight for one more day…at least!

I have…
a world of unknown
set before me now
One step at a time
a choice to make. (what am I gonna do today, to make me feel proud?)

I have…
Christ before me
leading the way
Friends beside me
making sure I don’t stray (Thank God for His provision in this…He has set me up to win, how can I fail?)

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7 thoughts on “Meltdown Mania!

  1. Wow… That is one awesome post! I am so glad that you had the help of Aaron and others to help you out through this. I wish I had an “Aaron” in my life with that great wisdom. What he said was totally dead on and I can see how it helps others move forward. Care to share him ? ๐Ÿ™‚
    I love the attitude of not allowing others to take control over your thoughts and desires to achieve this weight loss. So many times I have let that devil win and like you, I say NO MORE!!
    Thanks for sharing this and the wisdom that you have gained from others. It is so helpful to me and I am grateful for you as well.
    Hope everything went well today and that you blew them away in your interview…
    Take Care…

  2. Great post. You can do this girl! I have been freaked out alot lately too. FEAR SUCKS! Knowing that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior are what keep me going too. Be Proud!

  3. I heart Coach and Aaron. Mucho! Those two, seriously. You are blessed to have such family in your life.

    I gained last week. I say this journey isn’t about numbers, and it certainly isn’t for me anymore, but it still hurts when I see that number go up. For a few days I considered binge eating again, and I started to. Even had the start of a small pigout…but I remembered that little magnet on my grammy’s fridge…”Help Lord, the devil wants me fat.” I used to think it was so ignorant. But it just reiterates what Aaron said. Maybe the devil doesn’t want me fat, but he certainly wants me paralyzed and useless. And being fat does that for me, because it’s a place for me to be invisible. So here is what I did, and here is my best advice, my sister: Use a reliable online calorie tracker, and get a heart rate monitor. I log my 1,600 calories into WW everyday, and I’ve been wearing the HRM everyday, all day, and it is simple nerd’s math at that point. Eat 1,600 calories. Burn 2,600 calories, and do what I have to do to get that number to 2,600 before I go to bed. Seems rigid, but I’m serious about getting up out of this fat suit. And I know you are too. I am healing in ways I never knew possible, largely due to your openness and example. Onward and downward my friend.

  4. ROb, of course I will share him…I do…everytime I share teh things he and really they say to me…so see…you are already getting some of him!

    Pants (sorry cannot call you fatty mcbutter)-thanks for stopping by!

    Ang- I am humbled…truly so…and honored. The math does seem so easy doesnt it! But times like these…it is about just getting up off the ground after you feel like you have been pummelled…I am up now…THank GOd…limping, but up!

  5. Kim…I honestly feel your pain. I’ve been hearing too many of those voices myself yelling about how many times I’ve failed at doing this over my 38 yrs of life. I’m still struggling and probably will continue to for some time. But people we love believe in us. That’s awesome. And most important our Father believes in us. You probably know the song The Voice of Truth…it kept coming to my mind as I was reading your blog. Here’s a little exerpt from that song…

    But the waves are calling out my name…And they laugh at me…
    Reminding me of all the times
    I’ve tried before and failed
    The waves they keep on telling me
    Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
    “You’ll never win!”

    Chorus:
    But the voice of truth tells me a different story
    The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
    The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

    Today, I’m choosing to listen to the Voice of Truth! Thanks for helping me remember. Love you…and am proud of you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Thanks for the Voice of Truth Jen. I actually have that song in my collection, but have not listened to it in a while….untl yesterday! SO fitting!

  7. My thoughts on fear this week keep bringing me back to the scripture in 2 Timothy 1:7 — For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

    Sounds like you have a good handle on where the fear comes from and who to turn to for strength. Thanks for sharing and for being such a good example to me!

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