My first non-loss of 2009

Hmmm…I should warn you that this will be a long post…but all my posts end up long. I should probably only warn you if it is gonna be short, so you don’t think something is missing πŸ™‚

On 3/3 I weighed in at 312.5. On 3/13 I weighed in a couple days late from my normal Tuesday weigh in because I was out of town and weighed 307.1 (loss of 5.4). Today I weighed in and weighed 308.5. Yes folks I gained 1.4 lbs. This is the first time in 09 that I have not lost. Not only did I not lose, but I gained.

I wish I could say that I ate well all week and was faithful in my exercise every single day. I wish I could chalk it up to my body not cooperating or water weight gain or some other thing that I don’t really have control over. But I can’t. Not without lying.

There are several factors that contributed to this gain. All of them controllable by me, which is what makes me not disappointed or discouraged, but rather pissed off…at myself. I let circumstances play too huge a role in my decisions and clearly my choices have consequences.

1. On Saturday I went to a baby shower where I ate the food provided. I didn’t really overeat here, but I didn’t make the best choices of what was laid before me. Then I added cake to the mix and ice cream. At the time, I was ok with things here because even people who are healthy eat unhealthy things at times and are ok. It is taking it to extremes that is unhealthy. I had 3 bites of cake and probably the same of the ice cream and decided I was done.

2. Later I went to a a Euchre party at my Aunt’s house. My plan, since I had already eaten alot at the baby shower was to grab Subway on my way…and not eat the party food. Well, I couldn’t find the Subway, so I got really frustrated and just went to the party trying to convince myself I wasn’t really hungry anyway, and I can just not eat anything there. That plan fell apart within minutes of my arrival. My uncle made me a Yummy drink (pineapple juice and rum….and Yes I do drink on occasion)

A strange dynamic happens for me at this house. They all think I am the “good girl”. I don’t drink and I never do anything wrong. Yeah right! I am human people! But seriously they have this image of me that I don’t do anything wrong, so if they see me with a drink in hand, they are quite shocked and comment on my goodness, whatever that is. So for some reason when here, I feel like I am always trying to show them how not good I am. I know strange, right? Who doesn’t want to be perceived as good? Well, when it is almost pedestal like, I don’t like it…and I try to keep jumping off the pedestal.

So the conversation throughout the night with various people at various times was…how “good” I was and how much weight I have lost and how good I look. So I ended up drinking more than I “should” which just helped me to toss my good intentions towards eating out the window and eat while drinking…and while amongst my inner circle and on this blog my weight is talked about often, it seems different somehow and all the talk about how “good” I look was actually wearing on me after a while.

All that to say, I made really poor choices for a large variety of possible reasons. I have no idea what I consumed this day in eating…but my drinks alone were at least 900 calories…by the time I was done. That is HALF of my allotted calories for 1 day…so I am POSITIVE i was over..by ALOT.

3. I was excited about possibly hitting my 50 lb marker and being able to check that off my goal list. I realize 50 lbs is a lot and it is 1/4 of my total goal and is a big deal!! I also know that in any given weight loss attempt I have never made it beyond 60 lbs. The last time I stopped losing weight, in hindsight, it was comments about how good I was looking that sent me over the edge. Back then I had not even begun to look seriously at my sexual abuse issues beyond knowing that it definitely has had an impact. So as I approach 50 lbs, the comments are starting, and there are fears about whether I have what it takes to go farther than ever before…and to finish what I started. But because of my past I have to question whether there is any self-sabotaging going on. I have been thinking about this all day and I am still not sure. But I cannot ignore the question. Part of me thinks that on some level yes, there was some self-sabotaging. If it was, I don’t think it accounted it all.

I am not giving up! I am not discouraged! I am pissed off! This time IS different. I am asking myself hard questions in the face of this gain. I am not avoiding reality or making excuses for why the scale says what it says. The scale has served its purpose this week. It has given me feedback about the realities of the choices I made. By listening to the feedback, asking the questions, not succumbing to despair, and letting people in to where I am at…it just proves that I am different. I am growing in health…physically, mentally and spiritually….and that my friends is what I am after. Whole health.

I will leave you with a quote from Aaron. He said this to me in November via email, which ironically was the last time I think I had a gain and I was discouraged because that time, I had done everything right. I found it this week before I found out I gained and actually used it to encourage someone else. It is fitting and timely for this as I continue to pursue whole health, despite my gain.

“This journey is about more than just weight! It is about a wholly healthy you (spiritually and physically). If you made good eating choices, were diligent about hitting the gym, and humble before God this week and still gained a little then no worries. Weight is one measure of progress, but your heart is a truer one.” Aaron

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9 thoughts on “My first non-loss of 2009

  1. And I thought I wrote long posts πŸ™‚
    I am sorry to hear about your gain as well. I do have to say that you handled it a lot better than I did mine. It shows and does reaffirm the fact that you are different in how you handled the situation from previous gains. Your attitude, the way you analyze it and the way you allowed people in shows great character. If I would have done that from day 1 of my downfall I wouldn’t be in as bad shape as I feel I am in now. What you did is so awesome and I appreciate you sharing that with me and everyone else. I hope that the next time something like that happens to me that I handle it like you did and seek people out and talk about it instead of eating bad day after day after day.
    I am proud of the steps that you are taking and learning and how you are adapting them into your new life. πŸ™‚ I t is a great accomplishment.

  2. Rob, I did well this time and I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I have established my weigh in routine of texting 2 people no matter what and that they followed up with me immediately when they saw a gain, because they know my potential to fall into a pit of despair over this kind of thing. My make it or break it mark is coming up…I am hyper aware of having to be ever diligent in my thinking adn even more aware of my feelings…I am naturally an analyzer but not a feeler and it is the feelings that drive my eating…so on to the next week, eh?

    Thanks for stopping by. I am really glad you are back!

  3. It is good to be back πŸ™‚ I am sure that you will do well in the week and weeks to come.
    By the way thanks for sending me that e-mail about the swimming. It still scares me that I am yet not able to swim like that. It does give me a better picture though how I need to swim. I tried swimming like that but for some reason it is hard for me to move my heavy frame so easily like she does int hat video. I am just not built to move like Flipper πŸ™‚ It is a very good article though.
    One thing I also know is that I too need to be more diligent in my thinking before I decide to eat badly. Your post was a great one!
    So sit back and enjoy your evening.
    By the way do you like the Header “The Mortal Highground” or “Salvage your Fitness..Save your Life”? just curious to see what id my catchy πŸ™‚

  4. Not bult like Flipper YET ROb…YET. If I can be Ariel NOW you can be FLipper! πŸ™‚

    I have never been sure what you meant by The Mortal Highground. Perhaps you can explain it to me. The other part salvage your fitness…save your life…seems to depict that you have control of your life. That it takes work to salvage something…and really what does it mean to salvage something. I think of taking something old and broken down and refurbishing it and making it new, usable, beautiful, and working again. So for those reason…I like that salvage your fitness…save your life.

  5. Honestly my previous trainer is the one that came up with the title to the blog and the blog was his idea and I just was the writer so I really don’t know what the Mortal Highground means. Oh I suppose he told me once but at my age I forget things easily πŸ™‚ I like Salvage your fitness save you life because to me you have to work and fix what is wrong when it comes to fitness and work on that aspect of your life in a way by doing that you can end up saving your life in long term. So That’s what it means to me. Kind of your view and concept of it as well. So expect to see that change. I appreciate that input. I want something that catches some ones attention and the Mortal Highground to me is just boring.
    So now it’s Flipper instead of Superman πŸ™‚ I do kind of think that is funny. Ms. Ariel

  6. How about SuperFLip..instead of Superman! πŸ™‚

    The blog may have been his idea…but it is YOURS now..you get to own it and you get to name it…something that reflects you and what you are about!

  7. I like Salvage your fitness save your life because to me every since I did salvage my fitness my save has been saved, if that seems to corny I’m sorry.
    The only way that title would fit though on the page I had to say “salvage ur fitness save ur life” A I am always open to any other idea πŸ™‚ I’m not to creative.
    Thanks for your suggestion and help. Mr. SuperFlip….

  8. I have missed you guys…I’m so sorry that you’ve had rough weeks. I’m glad you are hanging in there. I didn’t even officially weigh in this week because I didn’t want to be discouraged by the scales. I’m certain that I’ve gained 2-4 lbs.

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