Fully Assessed!

Yesterday I had a FULL Assessment completed. Typically these sorts of things are planned in advance and rarely happen on Sunday evenings, but I am not one to do things the “normal” way.

One of my workout buddies loves snow and cold and winter, simply because it means more skiing for him. He loves it so much (and I think because he has a good heart) he has decided to become a ski patroller. This is a huge commitment as it will take almost 2 years (ski seasons) to get fully certified. Anyway, he has been learning in his classes how to assess for injuries and how to splint and sling and basically secure injuries for transport back to the ski office! And he needed to practice!

I, being a GREAT friend, decided he could practice on me, so he showed me how he can sling my arm making it immobile. But of course, he says that to really get good practice he would normally do a full assessment and he wouldn’t know what the injury is going in. Without thinking, I said “ok, we can do that!” He later informs me that full assessment really means FULL assessment. I didn’t get the hint and said, “whatever you need for practice buddy!

Remind me to stop and think before I say this kind of thing! Really!!!

So at some random point in the evening, I developed an injury and fell to the floor with as much drama as I could muster and hollered, “Help, I have fallen and can’t get up!”

After several minutes, he came running in and introduced himself to me and I began laughing! How can one be serious, when you are laying on the floor, with a man looming over you smiling and introducing himself, when I know darn well who he is!

He begins his assessment, walking on his knees from one side of me to the other as he is talking trying to figure out where my pain is. He figures out rather quickly that my upper arm is broken and hurts like hell!(not really, I am still pretending…and laughing). However, as a good ski patroller, he cannot assume that is my only injury. Since he didn’t see me fall, he doesn’t know if I hit my head or if I was knocked out for any amount of time or how I fell!

All this time, he repeatedly is saying my name every time he asks me a question or says anything to me! He begins his assessment with my head.

He pats my head repeatedly and vigorously (I think he was checking for blood) Then he gets really close and tells me to open my eyes wide so he can look in them. (Not sure what he was looking for, but I was near hysterics at this point from laughter).

He moves on to my neck and checks that out feeling for injuries.

So far, this is all humorous to me. This guy doing this, is and is not the same guy I know. He is attempting to be very professional, but since I keep dissolving is giggles it is difficult for him to do his job! Poor guy!

So far, head and neck are fine. At this point he is supposed to check the sternum. Thank God he opted out of that one. I am not sure what that would have involved but I am PRETTY CLEAR that the sternum is too darn close to “the girls” for him to be touching!

He moves on to the ribs! Oh my gosh! I am now wishing I had not agreed to a full assessment. The only person to ever touch my ribs or stomach is a DR and even then I am NOT comfortable! Seriously, who needs or wants to touch rolls of fat!! How far down does one have to push to reach the ribs to determine if there is an injury there or not! It is at this point, I realize I am incredibly ticklish!

Ok, I never thought I was ticklish. I never let anyone touch me in the spots that one is usually ticklish to find out if I am. Well, I now know. I am incredibly ticklish!!! So, now as he is pushing on my fat to reach my ribs, then moving on to my BELLY to assess something there…I am not sure what though, then on to my hips….I was equally mortified and feeling quite sorry for this poor and dear friend of mine.

I am not being a good patient with all my giggling, and then he has to be subjected to that!

At this point, he is just laughing at me! I have no idea what he is thinking and am not sure I would want to know. If he wants to, he can come and post his thoughts, but I doubt he will.

Apparently, my ribs and stomach are injury free and he moves on to my legs. More severely ticklish spots to be found as he went down squeezing my legs. Checking for more pain or broken limbs. While I am quite proud of my legs as they are incredibly strong and fairly well muscled for a girl of 300+ LBS (thanks spin class) It is still something to have some guy touching my thighs and calves!

Finally he finishes his assessment, splints my arm, and puts a sling on , then tells me to stand up. Little does he know, it is difficult to stand up at my size with only one arm……but I did it!!!

Ok, I hope this story turns out as funny in writing as it was in real life.

Oh for the day when I am comfortable enough in my body and with my weight that the uncomfortable factor is not nearly as present. After all I do want to be married someday, and I hear touching is a regular part of married life…at least in healthy marriages 🙂

Friend, you did a good job, despite my poor behavior, and despite forgetting to ask about allergies, medications, and last food intake! I swear I will be a better patient next time….if there is a next time 🙂


8 thoughts on “Fully Assessed!

  1. Hilarious! You’re a great friend, I would have jumped and ran when I realized he would be touching the lumps and bumps. (and almost “the girls!”) AGH! Great story!

  2. Ha, ha! The story is definitely funny in writing. I loved getting the visual – especially all the giggling and laughing. What a great friend you are!

    Oh, and touching is definitely part of a healthy marriage! Lots and lots and lots of it! :0)

  3. I agree the visual of what you were going through was quite hilarious. I have this vision in my head now and I am happily smiling. So thanks for brightening up my day. I really needed that and a good friend you are indeed. Thanks for you comment and your welcome to track me down in Las Vegas anytime. the weather is sure a lot warmer that it is in Michigan so i think you wouldn’t mind a little get away 🙂 But I agree usually if someone doesn’t post in a bit it does mean they might me spiraling down a bit, but thankfully that wasn’t my case, this time. So thanks for the concern as well. Tomorrow up at 3 AM again for my morning swim and then weight training. need to get some rest now since I have been up for 24 hours without sleep.
    have a good evening and keep hitting the gym.

  4. I heard once that brave= crazy! AKA Wonky and we have established that I am indeed wonky!

    LT- cannot wait for a healthy marriage and a healthy body to boot!

    Rob-if I ever make it to Vegas I will most definitely look you up! I want to go hiking in teh Grand Canyon one day so it is a possibility!

  5. Great post, Kim. I can totally picture it. It reminds me a bit of an emergency response drill I did at work. We had 12 weeks to learn all this assessment stuff and then we had a mock disaster. I was very nervous, but came upon my first “victim” in some staged rubble. I did all the fun assessing stuff and was giving the guy pretend CPR. One of the instructors finally came over and said “Teresa. He’s dead. Tag him and move on.” To which I replied,
    “But he’s still breathing.” And the instructor said, “Well, he’s trying really hard not to — you’re just making it really difficult.” Embarrassing.

  6. Pingback: Who Are You? « The Road to Beautiful

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