As I begin to pack things up and the end of my time here draws near, I am getting nervous. Nervous to be heading back to Detroit and nervous about my ability to stay on track. I KNOW this is not Truth that I am feeling but that doesn’t make the feelings any less real.
Here is what I have been noticing.
I have begun obsessing on the scale. I have been checking it daily. I know Coach. The body fluctuates from day to day. It is not good to weigh yourself daily. I was and still am disappointed in a 2 LB weight loss for the week. I think it is that realization that has made me really think about all of this stuff. 2lbs in a week is good, I know that. Any loss is good really! But I wanted more, because I leave here in a few weeks, you know.
I was beginning to see myself cut back on calories in the last day or so, knowing full well that that is not the way to do it. Knowing that will just send my body back to a holding pattern. But nevertheless, less calories in makes more logical sense to me than the other way around. So then my next thought is well, if I am not going to cut calories, then I must increase my exercise to burn more calories.
Exercising more means being at the gym more than 2 hours a day. While this may not seem crazy for someone of my size, who wants to lose weight desperately, to do, the motivation is fear more than health. There is a drive in me to lose as much weight as I can before Feb 15th, when I am officially back home with the hopes that the more I have off the easier it will be??? Or sadly, if I can lose another 25 before then, then that is 25 more lbs that I would have to regain if I were to completely fail. 25 LBS is ALOT to lose in one month (unless you are on The Biggest Loser Ranch). It took me 4 months to lose my first 25. In order to cut another 25 in the next month, drastic measures would have to take place.
I don’t want to become some person that has eating disorders or crazy ways of managing weight. Maybe I already am that and that is where the struggle is coming in. I do not know for sure. All I know is that I want to be healthy. I want to keep up a healthy balance of diet and exercise now and in Detroit, for this season and for life! I want to be motivated by the feeling of health and energy that rises up in me after a good work out and not the fear that if I don’t I won’t lose any weight or worse I might gain.
I am writing this blog, just to get the fears out of my head and somewhere else that they won’t consume me. I know, that when things are in the light, they cannot control me. It doesn’t mean I won’t be afraid or nervous or that I won’t think about these things ever again. But I am hoping between speaking it out and my team, it won’t control me. And as a side note, this isn’t how I feel all the time, but it has become more so this week than most.
A.M and M.K, did you have any idea I was this wonked in the head???
One more thing…(I accidentally hit the post button) Slow and Steady wins the race, right??