Is it possible that addiction can be good? For the last few weeks, I have been on a good streak of eating and exercise. I have never been one to like exercise for the sake of exercise and typically going to the gym is pure drudgery. I have never liked it, for a few reasons. Insecurity is one. Going to a place where I know that the majority of the people there will be fit and definitely more healthy than I is not so easy. I wonder what all these fit people must think of me, ME! being there. Then the comparisons start in my head. This is a cycle that must be controlled vigilantly lest it truly get the best of me. Incompetence has been another reason that makes me hate the gym. There are so many contraptions there that work muscles that I don’t think I have at all! I mean it is enough that I have the major muscle groups (in limited supply of course -at least right now). But come on…do I really need to work that tiny tiny muscle that supposedly lives under my rib cage? I of course know that the gym offers an orientation for people such as myself to show me how to use the stuff, but that would mean I have to actually ADMIT I don’t know, out loud, to one of those fit people mentioned above and then seriously battle those same insecurity issues above. Pain has also kept me away. I don’t like to hurt…and I certainly don’t like to do things that actually cause pain. I don’t think I am crazy in this though.
Despite all this that has kept me away in the past…I have been pretty diligent about going to the gym daily. It helps to have people to go with me on the days I really don’t want to go, but I also have to go by myself quite often. During my time I have lurked around some contraptions, and learned by secretly observing others, how to use a few of the machines. I have spent many hours on a treadmill, continuously increasing my speed each week and stretching myself and have even taken a few group classes. To my utter amazement, I have actually come to enjoy the gym. I look forward to going and have even turned down or showed up late to social activities with friends so that I could go to the gym.
This week, while being back in Detroit for a few days, I have found myself longing for the gym. At one point I thought these kind of longings were for other people, but not me. But I do. I am feigning for a good workout and the firm knowledge that I have burned a lot of calories. And I am actually considering NOT going to TN with my brother because it would mean leaving my precious gym for another week! Who knew it would ever come to this!!
While I have come far in this journey…I still feel insecure at times(fortunately IF my fellow gym mates wonder what I am doing there, they keep those thoughts to themselves) and definitely incompetent (lurking and learning helps) and pain too(don’t ask me about Pilates). But so far my vision of a wholly healthy me has been enough to propel me forward. Inch by inch I am making progress, literally and figuratively.