When I feel like giving up. When I feel like I cannot do another thing. When I feel like I don’t have what it takes. When I feel like my world is spinning out of control and all that I know to be true is being shaken to the core. When I feel like my faith has been devastated and I cannot trust anything. I remember. I remember the times I have been clear God has spoken to me. I remember the feeling of complete security I had in His words. Today is such a day and I am working hard at remembering. Here is my story of who God says I am.
I was participating in an exercise. But it didn’t feel like an exercise. In my mind’s eye I had travelled a long way, through a lot of junk to get to God. And yet He seemed to be asking for more. I had a stone in my hand. Really it was more than a stone. It was a pure white stone, but it had all these amazing colors bursting out of its core. You might imagine an opal, but it was far more beautiful than any Opal I had ever seen. The colors were filled with life and beauty and the white part was the whitest of whites. I was told that the stone represented me and could I imagine giving over this stone to Him. Would I? I couldn’t imagine this. I felt fear grip my heart at the thought. What if it got lost? or broken? or if it didn’t matter to Him?
I remember holding tight to that stone and questioning myself. What is the big deal? It is God! Of course he will treasure this stone, especially if it represents me, right? Then I was weeping. This was no longer just an exercise. I really felt like I couldn’t fully trust God with all of me and that broke my heart. How could I not trust Him? He has been so faithful all these years. He had never done anything to cause distrust. I began to cry out how hard this was for me. About how I didn’t understand my hesitation or my fear, but it was there. It seemed like forever that I wrestled with this. Trembling, I reached up and released this stone to Him and in so doing told Him despite my feelings, I choose to trust Him. At that point I had never felt more vulnerable, more raw, more undone.
Immediately, I heard a voice. I would swear it was audible and I actually looked back to see if someone was speaking to me in the room. This voice said, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. And I have called you by name!” I wept. I knew God was speaking into my fears. Letting me know he had my heart in His hands and that He would be tender. His kindness undid me even more. I didn’t think that was possible. I wondered out loud and for the first time I called Him Father. “Father, I have been named Kim, but what do you call me?” I had heard that God has a name for each of us, but figured I would not know mine until Heaven. But in this moment of honesty, tenderness, and what seemed to be open communication, I asked.
Again, immediately, I heard this response. “I call you enough.” So matter of fact. Without hesitation. As if there was nothing to think about. He knew who I was.
It was enough. I didn’t know one could cry so hard. I didn’t know I had ever questioned my being enough. But those words hit me like a ton of bricks…and I knew it was true. No matter what…I am enough for Him.
Later, as I processed this experience and prayed more about it I felt like God said this to me. “Kim, if you never change another thing about you, you are and always have been and always will be Enough”.
I need to remember this story today. I need to remember His tenderness and kindness.