I will not be ashamed!

Shame (according to the English Language Dictionary) is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself or another.

Dan Allender talks about 2 kinds of shame in his book, The Wounded Heart. He says this, “Legitimate shame exposes Depravity, and illegitimate shame shines a light on some element of dignity.”

Shame for me says that it is time to go quiet. Stop sharing and even stop asking questions into others lives, lest they care enough to reciprocate. What a lie! No matter how quiet I get, my friends still ask questions. They still care enough to pursue me…

Today I weighed in again and to my chagrin I actually gained 2 lbs. I didn’t want anyone to know, least of all those closest to me. But as I stood in the locker room at the gym, wanting to crawl inside myself, and thinking, I am such a failure. I can’t keep anything going for more than a few weeks. What will “they” think when they found out that I had gained instead of lost. But then I realized everything I was feeling was about who I was, not what I had or had not done to make my number go up instead of down. My shame was not about my behavior but about my identity, and I understood what Dan Allender meant about legitimate and illegitimate shame.

I am not bad. I do not suck. I am capable. I am strong. I am a fighter. And no matter how many battles I lose, I intend to win this war. The war to be healthy and the War within my soul. I am sure I will continue to have bad days and bad weeks. Clearly, I had a bad week this past week. However, I refuse to be ashamed. Although I did not win on the scale, I won in the soul because this time, I did not go silent. This time, when I was struggling, I let someone in. This time, I let it be known that I wanted nothing more than to eat the whole house. And that made all the difference. It is incredible how when lies are exposed, they no longer have a hold. But if the lies are held onto as though true, then they have all the power to defeat me.

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2 thoughts on “I will not be ashamed!

  1. I am very proud of you for being vulnerable and taking the leap of faith in yourself. I know that saying somehting outloud makes it real to people and then you are become responsible for it. So, what you have done takes a lot of guts. And it is nice getting to know the inside of you. With all the bad and all the good, you are Kim: Scared and yet fearless. Vulnerable and yet tough. You put yourself out there and in reality you’re one of the bravest people I know. You’re always diving in for the something good that makes it worth it all even it tasts bitter going in. I like this blog best about your insight about shame. I never thought about it that way. I’m glad The Lord has brought enough people in your life to show you His unconditional love for who you are in Him, not in what you do or don’t do.I’m sure they’ll be more to say. I am looking forward to reading more. And congratulations on the Triathalon. That’s awesome!!!

  2. Dear Kimberlia,

    I doubt that words will ever convey what I want them to, but I trust you’ll be able to read between the lines and know it anyway. I’ve never been more proud of you than I am right now. For the first time, you’ve exposed the naked truth to not only us, but to yourself! Thank you for trusting us enough to share this with us. And thank you for trusting yourself enough to expose it to Kim! Kim doesn’t like confronting herself and dealing with the “what’s really bothering you, “ issue. Kim doesn’t like being out of her comfort zone! But, in true fashion, Kim is putting 100% of herself into this new goal- to become a physically and emotionally healthy, self loving, self respecting, vessel of the Holy Spirit of Christ Jesus.

    Your courage is anointed in keeping with the scripture: Ps. 37:4 “The Lord gives us the desires of our heart, for those who delight in Him…” Bear with me as I reiterate what I’ve mentioned so many times before: The keyword of this scripture is Gives. I believe He places the desires in our heart; hence the word gives, and then brings them to fruition for those who love and delight in Him. In order for this to happen, sometimes we need to step outside of our comfort zones. Sometimes we need an extra boost of courage. Sometimes we need inner healing. The beauty of it all is that when the Lord GIVES us the desires, He also equips us with EVERYTHING we need to bring them unto us.

    I believe that as your inner self is healed of the negative self-talk and behaviors, the mask on the outside will melt away. The mask being the façade or weight that hides the naked, vulnerable, wounded Kim; The Kim that lives in a world of shame and guilt and fear of failure and rejection. Thus, He has provided the courage and determination you’ll need in order to succeed. Not only that, but as you walk through the fire, He will walk with you (not for you). You’ve heard the cliché, “you can’t have a testimony without a test.” As I reflect on all you’ve experienced in your adult life, I see visions of the new you. I see you reaching out to a multitude of “old Kims,” playing the role of Richard Simons and sharing the chronicles of your journey on the Road to Beautiful, Inside and Out! Perhaps this is the title of your new book (a best seller).

    I can’t wait to hear you play your violin. What a beautiful tune you’ll write as you journal each chapter of your pilgrimage into the inner depths of the real you…the You that only God has ever known.

    From the moment you were born into my life, I’ve been allowed the privilege of discerning parts of your inner core, that perhaps you’ve never known. I know that I know that the Lord has opened your spiritual eyes. For the first time, you can see yourself the way Jesus sees you – the anointed you God ordained you to be! The you that we love and adore.

    You’re an inspiration to many, but especially to me. I am so very proud of you. And as one of your spiritual mothers, I urge you to assemble a team of prayer warriors and supporters and call for a season of fasting and prayer on your behalf. You can count on Papa Rico and I to be part of that team. The road you’re now traveling is unpaved and treacherous (or unstable and unpredictable). There may be times that you stumble and skin you knees, but you’ll get up and dust yourself off and continue on your way to victory. And as you cross the finish line, you’ll keep going and find a new goal to conquer (that’s the way you’ve always operated).

    In measuring your success, you’ll find truer results in your daily journal than on a scale. The scale can be a tool to measure results of your new behaviors and mindset, but your journal will edify your hungry spirit and encourage you to stay the course.

    As I close this chapter, please know I do so with love, and respect and admiration!

    I Love you!

    Mama Rico

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